Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen
by Loki Palmer
Summary: DZ2 has the right idea with his Den of Delights. Now presenting, for your reading pleasure, servings of literary stew from my Madhouse Kitchen. H/Hr, of course.
1. King of the Outcasts

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes I decide to use belong to their respective creators.**

**Some time ago, an old Fanfiction friend of mine, DZ2 sent me a PM about a challenge he posted, a challenge entitled "Let It Go" (after that awesome song in "Frozen"; if you haven't heard it before, check it out.)**

**Mulling over this challenge, it occurred to me that he's got the right idea with his Den of Delights, and so was born this collection of one-shots, called Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen. Some may turn into full stories, others may not. Whether I will give permission for my fellow writers to use any of these ideas remains to be seen, but I will reserve the right to deny such permission, capisce?**

**Another friend of mine, Ben (not a fellow Fanfiction writer), thinks it's funny that I would use cooking as a metaphor for my writing process when I can't cook on a stove. I've joked that if I was cooking on a stove, you would need the Fire Department on speed dial! LOL. Then again, like the idea of me cooking on a stove, my fanfics can be explosive too – explosively hilarious, that is!**

**(For the obvious sake of safety, I do all my cooking in a microwave. The stove cooking metaphor works for me, though, so that's what I use to describe my process.)**

**So, my welcome to fans old and new,**

**Have I got some stew for you!**

**To complainers who like to whine and flame,**

**Go shag yourselves if that's your game!**

**If my madness you can bear,**

**Enter my kitchen – if you dare!**

**[Manic laughter.]**

**Chapter 1**

**King of the Outcasts**

Harry breathed a sigh of relief upon seeing that Cedric Diggory was the Hogwarts Champion. "Whew … maybe I will have a peaceful year after all …"

"Wonderful!" said Professor Dumbledore. "Now that we have our three Champions …"

Great was the shock of the assembly in the Great Hall as the Goblet of Fire spewed out a fourth parchment, which Dumbledore caught; greater was the shock when he read the name on it:

"Harry Potter … no, this can't be right. Harry Potter?"

Harry could not believe his ears either, and sat there in shock.

"HARRY POTTER!"

Hermione gave him a small shove. "Harry, get up there!"

"But Hermione –"

"Just go already! We'll talk about it later!"

As he stepped forward to meet the Headmaster, he heard voices all around him say:

"He's a cheat!"

"He's not even of age yet!"

"How did he get his name into the Goblet?"

When he arrived at the Goblet, he spun around to face his accusers, his glare murderous. "HOW **DARE **YOU ACCUSE ME WITHOUT THE SLIGHTEST SHRED OF EVIDENCE!" A loud thunderclap shook the Great Hall as Harry raised his wand. "Upon my magic I swear that I did not put my name in the Goblet, nor did I ask an older student to do so for me!"

Everyone gasped, for such an oath, known as a wizard's oath, could strip away the wizard's magic if the person was lying. Either the wizard in question would be a Squib or dead; neither one sounded pleasant from a wizarding standpoint.

"Harry, do you realize what you've done?" said Professor Dumbledore.

"If I have told the truth, Headmaster, I will suffer no ill effects. EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

A bright silver stag exited Harry's wand and went to Hermione. As it nuzzled her, it grew brighter, causing others nearby to shield their eyes, then it trotted back to its master, nuzzled him, and disappeared.

Harry looked at the stunned crowd. "Any questions?"

**~KING OF THE OUTCASTS~**

She found him in the Astronomy Tower. "Harry?"

He turned around. "Hermione … you seem to be my only friend in this darkest of times …"

She hugged him. "I'm here for you, no matter what. Is it me, or has the temperature dropped around here?"

Harry started to sing [to "Let It Go"]:

"A cold wind blows all through Hogwarts tonight,  
Hardly no one to be seen;  
A kingdom of outcast rejects,  
And guess what? I am their King!  
My anger's flowing like this thunderstorm outside!  
I just can't clamp it down; God, You know I've tried!  
Don't let your anger cloud your view;  
Please be calm and you will see it through!  
Well, Dumbledore, I've had enough!  
I say, enough!"

Lightning flashed around the area as Harry continued singing:

"I'll arise! I'll arise!  
As of now, in my darkest hour,  
Just like Fawkes, from the ash,  
I'll come back with so much power!  
Lightning flash, and thunder roar!  
Let my darkness rage;  
The storm, it don't scare me none anymore!"

What he was not expecting was that Hermione would join in the song:

"Harry, you know I love you, staying always by your side,  
With the courage that you give me, I no longer have to hide!  
Dear, with my brains and with your power,  
Every enemy will have to cower!  
Forget their rules, let's make them see:  
We're free!  
We'll arise! We'll arise!  
Thunder roar across the skies!  
Powers flow! Dark winds blow!  
May they see it in our eyes!  
I don't care what the world will say!  
Let Our darkness rage …"

Harry sang:

"Can you feel the thunder as it roars for miles around?"

Sure enough, even the castle shook with the thunderous roars. Hermione sang:

"Our enemies will have to cower underground!"

Harry sang:

"No good exists, nor evil, there is only power!"

Hermione sang:

"They will come to rue this night, and this, our very hour!"

Harry sang:

"We'll arise! We'll arise!  
Like the break of the sun at dawn!"

Hermione sang:

"We'll arise! We'll arise!  
The Boy-Who-Lived is gone!"

They sang together in harmony:

"We could care less what they're going to say!  
As we show they're wrong!  
The storms, they don't scare us none anyway!"

They had their first kiss under the darkness of the storm, lightning flashing all the while.

"Where shall we go first, Hermione?"

Her eyes sparked with mischief. "How about we go and visit an old friend … you know, the one who is so obsessed with you, you can't help but run into him every year? It's so nice he comes to visit at the end of each year … think what you like about him, he cares for you and your education …"

"Obsessed? You don't mean he's … faygeles or anything? I don't swing that way, Mione."

She gave him a playful swat. "No, you prat, but you do run into him every year …"

"Every year?"

She laughed. "Okay, except for third year, you've run into him …"

"I know the one of whom you speak, Mione. Shall we go, my dear?"

It was thus that, holding onto each other, the new couple vanished in a burst of lightning …

**Author's Note: Wow, that was quite an amazing start to this Madhouse Kitchen of mine. More stew to come later! I might very well consider turning this one into a story …**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	2. A Visit to Middle Earth

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes that I choose to use are the property of their respective creators.**

**For my next serving, here is the start for a side crossover fanfic to "Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus," my first fanfic that I uploaded. If interested, you, my devoted fans, may read it to understand some of the background context, though I confess that I haven't quite got so far to where I can split off and write this one in full yet. Even though it is not a Harry/Hermione fic, at least it does not involve Ron/Hermione or Harry/Ginny, two fandoms that are absolute anathema to me as a devoted Harmonian. Visitors to my profile would understand why I say that.**

**I am certain you will recognize the secondary universe that our two heroes visit … so, without further ado, enjoy …**

**Chapter 2**

**A Visit to Middle Earth**

A rainbow light shone down from the heavens onto the ward boundary of Hogwarts, and two men stepped out of it.

"Brother," said one, a tall man with shiny black hair, "tell me – why are we coming back to Midgard again?"

The other, a blond man with a hammer recognized anywhere, frowned. "My Heir, it seems, is troubled, Loki, as well as his … brother."

Loki snorted with amusement. "Olympus adopted him into his Family, it seems, just like Odin adopted me all those years ago. Why would the Allfather, or Aslan himself, trust me to accompany you to collect them, considering what has happened here? Facing either of them in their states is madness!"

"You would know something about madness, wouldn't you, Loki?"

"Ah, touché, Thor! I still say I have a bad feeling about this …"

"Aslan told us to collect them, Loki, nothing more. He didn't say anything about fighting them. What's the matter? Are you scared of a little lightning?"

Loki looked at the black storm clouds and the electric discharges that arced around them with worry. "As you know very well, Thor … I'm not fond of what follows …"

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

Tracing the source of the cold terror that had seized Hogwarts was no trouble for the duo as they made their way up the Grand Staircase, seeing nobody on their way.

"Ah, here we are, Loki. The Hospital Wing … our targets are right here."

"Do we want to go for the subtle route … or …"

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Thor's fist knocked on the door.

"Great, Thor … why not take the brave madman's route?"

The door opened, and Thor bowed to Loki. "After you."

"Why, thank you, Thor …"

WHAM! A hammer flew out of the Wing, knocking the Trickster onto his back.

He got up with a wince. "Oh, yeah, Thor, that was a brilliant idea, to use me as a shield. What more will you think of next?"

Two cold voices sounded from within. "Who dares to disturb Us in Our hour of grief?"

"Thor and Loki Odinson of Asgard. Will you let us in?"

"Enter."

What the duo saw shocked them. Before them stood the two they had come for, Patrick Palmer, Prince of Olympus, and Harry Potter, his adopted brother and Prince of Gryffindor. Within three beds lay the Petrified figures of Lady Hermione Palmer, Lady Lacey Potter, and Sir Neville Longbottom, Knight of Olympus.

"By the Nine Realms," said Loki, "this is worse than I feared. Or it is what I feared … I can't tell which is which."

"Did I hurt you, Uncle?"

Loki shrugged it off. "Nay, Your Highness; I've had worse. You seem to be the 'hurt first, ask questions later' type, eh?"

"Can you blame me for what happened to Hermione?"

Thor shook his head. "Nay, not in the least would I blame you. I would be psychotic indeed if someone dared to hurt my Beloved in any way."

"Forgive my curiosity, but why did you come?" said Harry.

"Lord Aslan has sent us to collect you both," said Thor. "Now, there are two ways we can do this: the easy way, or the hard way."

Patrick's eyes sparked. "Hmmm … I like a challenge …"

He threw his hammer at Thor, and Thor threw his hammer back. As the two hammers met, they produced a shock wave akin to a bomb going off, blasting out the windows of the Hospital Wing and shaking the castle, whose ancient wards withstood the blast.

From his position on the ground, Patrick looked up at his ancestor. "Okay … scratch the challenge … we'll come …"

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

Upon arrival, Loki gave Patrick a pat on the back. "Good luck … wherever you're going."

Patrick felt a cold wave of power pass into him. "What is this?"

"Let's call it my way of helping you. Who knows, you may need it."

Walking into Aslan's throne room, the two knelt before Him. "Hail, Lord Aslan!"

"Welcome, Sons of Olympus. Allow me to introduce you to Manwë and Elbereth, King and Queen of the Valar … akin to what you would call Archangels."

"Indeed," said Manwë, "we are but servants of the Almighty One who created us all, young pilgrims."

"Why did Your Majesties summon us?"

"There is now a crisis situation on Middle Earth and We have decided that you are two of the best Istari, or wizards, we can send – besides Gandalf, of course."

"Besides Gandalf, how many Istari are there on Middle Earth?" said Harry.

"There are four others of the White Council, but one of them – Saruman – has joined with the Enemy. Even if he was to gain the Enemy's Ring and use it to conquer him, the power of the Ring would only make Saruman a new Dark Lord. Be on guard against Pride, for it leads to a great downfall. You may even find that there will be some creatures too powerful for you to conquer … for those occasions, you will need your allies and your speed. In the case in which your Prudence tells you to run, you run, but if you must fight, you fight. Your mission will be to protect the Hobbit who bears the Ring – Frodo Baggins – and his companions."

Elbereth stepped forward. "Before you go, Sons of Olympus, take this chalice and drink … it will help calm and ease the sorrow you have suffered."

As they drank the liquid within the chalice, they felt like a phoenix was singing to them in an unknown language, and drew comfort from it.

She smiled at them. "Do you feel better?"

They smiled back. "Yes, thank you, Elbereth."

She put her hands on their heads. "Then go with Our blessing ..."

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

The landing on the ground gave both a sharp jolt of pain.

"Patrick? How are you feeling?"

"I feel like another truck ran me down … did you get its license plate?"

"No kidding there. Next time, we should remind ourselves to pack parachutes. Where do we go from here?"

"Point me Frodo Baggins." Mjøllner swung within a direction. "That way, Harry – towards that fallen down fortress ..."

A loud screech rent the air, like nails on a chalkboard, but worse.

Patrick gave a whistle, and two Κερβεροι showed up, excited to help their Masters. Their aforementioned Masters saddled themselves.

"No time to lose, Harry."

"Agreed. One, two, three ..."

"ΠΡΟΣΔΟΚΩ ΣΟΤΗΡΑ!"

A St. Bernard and a Stag Patronus came forth, shining with Seraphic Fire. The duo sped after them towards the mysterious black cloaks, which scattered in fear of the light.

Upon arrival, they saw a man and three hobbits gathered around a hobbit writhing in pain.

"Strider, what's happened to Frodo?" said one hobbit.

"The Nazgûl stabbed him with a Morgul blade," said Strider (the man). "I dread to think what might have happened next if these mysterious flaming animals didn't arrive. Whatever new Magic this is, the Nazgûl cannot bear it. I fear this is beyond my skill to heal. Samwise, do you know kingsfoil?"

"Aye," said Samwise, "it's a weed."

"Go find some … it may help to slow the poison. As for the two of you Istari, we owe you some thanks for driving the Nazgûl away. Who are you?"

"Patrick Palmer. The other is Harry Potter, and we are at your service, Strider."

"I must admit, you are curious people for Istari … why, you don't even look old. I would ask what land you hail from, but we don't have time for that. Can you help?"

"All we would know how to do would be to slow the poison down, not to heal it. It won't kill him, right?"

Strider shook his head. "No. Their Master wants the Ring-bearer alive … given enough time, the poison will turn him into a wraith, and he will be subservient to their commands."

Samwise came back. "Here we go, Strider."

Strider took it and crushed it in his hands, making a poultice out of it and applying itl to the wound. Patrick and Harry applied their hands to the wound and cooked it with Seraphic Fire, hopeful that it would help. Frodo cried out in pain.

"What are you doing to him?"

"Trying to help him, Master Samwise. I fear that is all we can do, but this requires greater skill to heal. Where were you going, Strider?"

"We were going to Rivendell, where the Elves live, but with a wound like this, who knows if he can last for the rest of our journey?"

"Uh, Pat?"

"What is it, Harry?"

"Someone's coming ..."

Their eyes widened in wonder upon seeing an Elf-maiden. Upon seeing Strider, she beamed. "Aiya, Estel! Adar nin mennant le toled." (Hail, Estel. Father sent me to find you.)

"Aiya, Arwen! Frodo harn. In tâd istari hin menner Nazgûl nored." (Hail, Arwen! Frodo is wounded. These two wizards sent the Nazgûl running.)

Arwen looked in amazement at the wizards mentioned, then turned to Frodo.

"Frodo, im Arwen. Telin le thaed. Tolo dan nan galad." (Frodo, I'm Arwen. I've come to help you. Come back to the light.)

Frodo shuddered and gasped for air.

"He won't last long," she said. "I will take him."

"Arwen, there are five Ringwraiths out there."

"I don't fear them, Estel."

"Χαρι, μενου μετα των αλλων χοββιτων." (Harry, stay with the other hobbits.)

"Και συ? Τι ποιησεις?" (And you? What will you do?)

"Τι σκεπτεις?" (What do you think?)

Arwen turned to Patrick. "Well, young Istar … would you care to provide some cover?"

Patrick saddled up on his canine mount. "I'm ready when you are ..."

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

Arwen's horse Asfaloth ran like the wind, Patrick not far behind providing cover as best as he could, throwing lightning into the face of each Nazgûl who approached too close.

At the Bruinen river, they turned around and Arwen drew her sword.

"Give us the Halfling, accursed She-Elf!"

"Do you want him? Come and claim him!"

Patrick got off of his mount and stood in the river to protect them.

"Get out of our way, young Istar. You are no match for the might of Mordor. Stand aside … or die where you stand!"

"I faced off against a Troll – why should I be scared of you? Go back to the shadows from whence you came, or you will feel my wrath!"

"You are a fool … prepare to meet your doom ..."

Mjøllner flew to knock the leader off of his horse. The battle was an adrenaline-fuelled blur of energy with Arwen chanting in the background, summoning up water horses for backup …

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

Patrick opened up his eyes and saw he was lying in a bed. "What happened?"

"Ah, our young Istar is awake," said a voice. "You had us worried there for a while, Patrick."

Patrick's eyes widened in some shock, for the voice which spoke came from someone who looked like his grandfather Zeus. The surroundings told him he was not back in Olympus, though.

He looked to his side. "Χαρι? Οπου εσμεν?" (Harry? Where are we?)

Harry smiled. "Εν οικω Κυριου Ελρονδος εσμεν. Πατερ Κυριας Αρουενος εστιν." (We are in the House of Lord Elrond. He is Lady Arwen's father.)

Patrick looked back at the Zeus lookalike. "My apologies, sir. You look like my dear Grandfather Zeus, that's all."

A warm chuckle sounded from the old man. "There is no need for an apology, and I can assure you that is not my name. I am Gandalf – an Istar like yourselves, although you are far younger than me. If it is not too sensitive a question, how old are you both?"

"Twelve years," both said.

"My word, is that a young age! You are but children, and you have that kind of power?"

"My Mum and Dad explained that there are some people who are able to manipulate Magic, and others who are not. Patrick and I are two that can," said Harry.

Gandalf nodded. "I see. Ah, the rest of our group has arrived."

Arwen entered followed by an elf who carried himself with an air of nobility.

"Ah, dearest Arphen … the house of Rivendell is ever in your debt for protecting my daughter."

Seeing that Elrond had spoken to him, Patrick ignored the question about this name; perhaps there would be a later explanation. "Lord Elrond, you are too kind, but I did it not for the sake of a debt … it was the right thing to do. By the way, thanks for the backup of those water horses. Would you think I would leave a damsel, even a fierce fighter like your daughter, out there to get herself killed by five powerful bullies?"

Arwen laughed. "Ah, Hîrbar helped us pick it out aright – you are as noble as your name. If I was not engaged already, such a feat would be enough to win my hand."

Arphen pointed out the Olympus Lordship ring on his hand. "As nice as such an offer would be – no offense to you or Lord Elrond – I'm already taken, thank you."

"So am I," said Hîrbar, pointing out his Potter Lordship ring. "In fact, saving a damsel was what married him in the first place."

Strider entered. "Well, I guess that means two less males on my turf. I bet that hammer packs a wallop."

"Speaking of which," said Arphen, "what happened to it?"

"We last saw it in the Bruinen River," said Lord Elrond. "None of us could move it."

"Better clear some space," said Arphen. He whistled and his hammer came flying to his hand, then he dropped it on the ground beside his bed.

"Out of gratitude for your support so far, we have decided to give the both of you Sindarin names, as well as the honor of being known as Elf friends," said Lord Elrond.

"Sindarin is one of two Elvish languages. The other one, Quenya, is an older one, but it is not as common," said Gandalf.

Ah, there was the explanation for the new names. "Thank you, Lord Elrond," they both said.

"DOGPILE!" said four hobbits as they ran into the room and jumped on Arphen.

"Oy, get off me!"

"Meriadoc, Peregrin, Samwise, and Frodo, I suggest you do as he says," said Gandalf. "He's not the kind to repeat himself."

"Oh, Gandalf, whatever could be wrong with a harmless tickle fight?" said one hobbit – either Meriadoc or Pippin. He then broke off into laughter with the other hobbits as Arphen and Hîrbar started to turn the tables and win the fight.

"Okay! We surrender! We surrender!"

Gandalf smiled. "Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee you have met already. The other two, rather well-known as troublemakers, are Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took."

Arphen stretched and made himself as comfortable as he could. "I suppose you wish to know our story." He turned to Hîrbar. "Oπου αρχη της ιστοριας εστιν? (Where is the beginning of the story?)

Hîrbar gave him a shrug. "Just start the story somewhere."

"You may as well start from telling us about this mysterious language you speak," said Gandalf. "I've never heard its like before in all my years."

"Gandalf, it is a language called Greek, one of the more ancient languages of my world," said Arphen. "You see, my father's side of the family comes from a powerful group of wizards, so powerful the people of ancient Greece would worship them as gods and goddesses, believing them to live on a high mountain called Olympus. Chief among these is Zeus, also known as the Thunderer and Cloud-Gatherer. My mother's side of the family was powerful too – the people of ancient Norway worshiped them as the gods and goddesses of Asgard. Unlike the ancient Greeks, whose Mount Olympus does exist on Earth, Asgard is itself a separate Realm, one of Nine Realms. While Odin is the leader of the Asgardians, his son Thor – considered their God of Thunder – is powerful in his own right. It is from him that I have received this hammer – Mjøllner. The only person who can wield it is one whom it considers worthy, or one to whom its owner gives permission. To anyone else, it would feel like it weighed as much as the Universe itself."

Lord Elrond nodded. "That explains why none of us could move it. Even though the ancients worshiped your family as gods, they are not, are they?"

"No, they are not. Like the Valar, they are servants of the Almighty. Unlike the Valar, they can die, though it is almost impossible to pull off such a feat, due to our speed and dueling ability."

"With your permission, Arphen, I will let my Elves be the judge of that."

"Permission granted, Lord Elrond."

"Arphen, Hîrbar said that saving a damsel was what married you. Who was the damsel, and from what did you save her?" said Arwen.

"Her name was Hermione Granger, a brilliant, beautiful Muggleborn – a Magical person born of parents who cannot wield Magic – and I saved her from a Troll that had invaded our school of Hogwarts." Upon seeing their widened eyes, he said, "I take it you do know what a Troll is, right? Are we talking about a creature at least 12 feet tall, stinky, not to mention it is one of the dumbest creatures on the planet?"

The company cracked up in laughter. "Succinct, Arphen, but accurate!" said Gandalf. "Let us not forget their vulnerability to light, though I fear the Enemy will not allow that vulnerability to continue."

Arphen shrugged. "I don't know if I could have killed this one with light, but it was threatening my Beloved's safety, so I killed it."

Arwen turned to Hîrbar. "What about you?"

"A Dark Lord by the name of Voldemort killed my parents, leaving me an orphan with this scar from when he tried to kill me at the age of one year. Arphen was there to watch out for me, so we grew up like brothers in the land of England, even though we were not related by ties of blood. I fell in love with his cousin, Lacey – beautiful like her mother, but if you angered her, she would beat you to a pulp like her father – and married her at Christmastime of the same year that Arphen married Hermione."

"How old were you both?"

"11 years, Strider," said Arphen, "but my Family has a faster physical maturity than most other wizards."

"This Voldemort person – did you encounter him again?" said Gandalf.

"During our first year, he had taken over one of our Professors," said Hîrbar. "He kidnapped our wives, but we caught up with him and Arphen beat him up. Voldemort tried to kill him, but killed Arphen's sister Iris instead, at which point our friend Neville grew in size and finished Arphen's work by smashing him through a mirror. His goal was a Philosopher's Stone, which, in theory, would have made him immortal."

"Alas, an immortal Dark Lord would be terrible for you to face," said Lord Elrond.

"All too true, Lord Elrond," said Arphen. "Our next year has been torturous for both of us, with a mysterious beast from a mythical Chamber of Secrets within the school Petrifying students left and right. Much to our outrage, Hermione, Lacey and Neville were three of the victims. During our grieving, a summons came to call us out here. Lord Manwë sent us to help the mission, so here we are."

"You shall learn more about this mission when the Council convenes, Arphen and Hîrbar Randir. Again, we welcome you to Rivendell and hope your visit will be peaceful."

They bowed. "Our thanks, Lord Elrond."

"While we wait for the Council, may I suggest that Strider and I teach our Istari some Sindarin?" said Gandalf.

Arphen's eyes lit up. "I think we would love that."

During the intervening time, the duo learned Sindarin from Gandalf, Strider, Arwen, and Legolas when he arrived. They also trained in fencing, though the Elves who trained them noted that Arphen was not joking about his nor Hîrbar's speed – about the equal of the Elves. In addition, Meriadoc and Peregrin, to the amusement of Strider and Gandalf, taught them about the art of smoking pipe-weed – a plant of the genus _Nicotiana_.

**~A VISIT TO MIDDLE EARTH~**

The day of the Council came.

"Friends from distant lands and other worlds," said Lord Elrond, "you have come in alliance against the forces of Mordor. Bilbo Baggins, come forward and speak."

A wrinkled hobbit came forth to tell his part of the tale – about how he encountered Gollum, took the Ring from him, and used it to great success in his mission to help the Dwarves take Erebor from the dragon Smaug under the leadership of Thorin Oakenshield, long since dead in the Battle of the Five Armies.

"And now it has passed to my nephew, Frodo," he said, finishing the tale.

"Indeed, it has," said Gandalf. "Frodo, bring forth the Ring."

Frodo did so, putting the Ring in the center of the Council.

"Isildur's Bane," said Boromir, a man from Gondor. "This is what has caused us so much worry? Why not take this weapon and use it against the Enemy?"

Strider stood up. "Do you know nothing, Boromir? None of us can wield it; it answers to the Enemy alone."

"What would a mere Ranger from the North know of such matters?"

Legolas stood up. "This is no mere Ranger! He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Heir of Elendil! You owe him your allegiance."

"Havo dad, Legolas." (Sit down, Legolas.)

Boromir frowned. "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king."

"Who holds the throne of Gondor at the present time?" said Arphen.

"That would be Boromir's father, Denethor," said Gandalf. "He is but a Steward of the Throne of Gondor."

"It is all too correct that the Ring's alternate name is Isildur's Bane," said Lord Elrond. "I was there, those many years ago, when an alliance of Men and Elves joined together against the Enemy, Sauron. He broke Elendil's blade and killed him, but Isildur, the King's son, took the broken blade and used it to cut off the Ring. The Enemy disappeared, and his allies flew into hiding. Isildur and I climbed the slopes of Mount Doom, where the Enemy had forged the Ring. Isildur could have ended Sauron once and for all if he tossed the Ring into the fire, but he refused and claimed the Ring for himself. He died a short time later, leaving Gondor without a King for many, many years until the rightful King should return. We of Rivendell have re-forged the blade of your ancestor, Aragorn, and we hope you shall make good use of it."

As Aragorn accepted the blade and withdrew it from his scabbard, Arphen and Hîrbar lowered their gaze in respect – and, it seemed to them, there was a glorious crown of light on his head.

"The obvious question is," said Gimli the Dwarf, "who is to take the Ring into Mordor?"

"Nobody could," said Boromir. "Mordor is filled with more than Orcs. Its air is a poisonous fume, and it is as dry as a desert. Not with a thousand men could you pull off this feat. It is folly."

"That's a great speech to bring the Council down, Boromir," said Arphen.

"You think you could take the Ring there, Arphen? Or what about Hîrbar?"

"Not in your wildest dreams would I even do so," said Arphen.

"That Ring gives me the creeps," said Hîrbar. "Even if anyone was to wield the Ring and use it to defeat this Enemy, that person would take up his throne as the new Dark Lord – not a prospect I like, thank you very much."

A heated argument broke out between the three of them, with Legolas and Gimli joining in the fray. Gandalf frightened them all into silence as he said:

"**Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, **

Ash** nazg thrakatulûk, agh burzum-ishi krimpatul!"**

While he pronounced the words on the One Ring, the sky darkened, lightning flashed, and his voice had taken on a dark edge that had the Elves stopping their ears. Even Arphen and Hîrbar dived for cover, such was the terror that had consumed them. As the sky cleared …

"Is it safe to come out?" the duo said.

"Yes, it is safe," said Elrond. "Never has anyone heard those words in Rivendell, Mithrandir."

"Let us hope none will hear that voice again, Lord Elrond. I had to make a point as to the danger we all face if we do not destroy the Ring."

"No arguments there," said Hîrbar. "The Ring must not stay here."

"Indeed not," said Lord Elrond.

"What we need is somebody who can pass into Mordor undetected," said Arphen. "Hmmm ... why not Frodo?"

Boromir burst into laughter. "The Halfling? If you want to add folly to folly …"

"The Enemy would crush you and the Kingdom of Gondor in two seconds flat if you took the Ring, Boromir. Aragorn is right in saying none of us could wield the Ring."

Frodo sighed. "I was hoping my part would have been over by now … but if no one else can, I will, though I do not know the way."

Gandalf laid a hand on his shoulder. "I will help you to bear this burden, Frodo Baggins … as long as it is yours to bear."

Arphen turned to his friend. "Are you ready for another adventure?"

"You bet, Arphen." They joined with Gandalf, saying, "We're coming along."

"You have my sword," said Aragorn.

"And my axe!" said Gimli.

"And my bow," said Legolas.

Boromir joined the group. "You carry the fate of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the Council, then Gondor will see it done."

Samwise came out of his hiding place. "Mister Frodo's not going anywhere without me!"

Elrond cracked a smile. "It is hard to keep the two of you separate … even when I summon one of you for a secret council …"

"OY! WE'RE COMING TOO!" said Meriadoc, as he and Peregrin came out of their hiding places.

"You would have to tie us in a sack to stop us," said Peregin. "After all, you need people of intelligence on this mission … quest … thing …"

"Let's not forget some lighthearted Comedy Relief," said Arphen under his breath to Hîrbar as they snorted in amusement.

"I guess the intelligence bit rules you out, Pip," said Meriadoc.

More snorts of laughter sounded.

"Arphen, what are you two laughing at?" said Peregrin.

"You two remind us of a couple troublemakers back home," said Hîrbar. "How can we not help laughing?"

Elrond nodded. "You will be known as the Fellowship of the Ring."

"Great!" said Peregin. "Uh … where are we going?"

Arphen and Hîrbar made a facepalm. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Hîrbar?"

"What's that, Arphen?"

"We're doomed."

**Author's Note: Another awesome stew! I hope you enjoy it! Read and review – no flames, please!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	3. I'll Go With You

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes are the properties of their respective creators.**

**I am glad everyone enjoyed my second serving, and I will turn that into a story as soon as I have typed enough chapters for "Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus."**

**Chapter 3**

**I'll Go With You**

Harry came down the stairs from the Headmaster's office. After listening to the memories from the fallen Professor Snape, he didn't know what to think of him. The Professor had done so much to ensure his safety, but to think it would all be for naught – Harry would not blame him for the sorrow that filled his features. Would Lily forgive him? Would God? Harry did not know, and could not claim to know, but for his part, he forgave him.

He saw Hermione and Ron in front of him on the stairs. "What did you find out, Harry?" said Ron.

"Well, Ron, do you remember my sensitivity to the necklace Horcrux? There has been a reason I've been so sensitive to him … I know Hermione has known this as well … I have to go and meet him …"

"Voldemort? Harry, have you lost your mind? You know we can still win this war, right? What will we do without you?"

"Win this war, Ron? How many more lives must Voldemort and the Death Eaters kill before we win? No, my friend, it is better that he kills me rather than the rest of you. After I'm gone, the bloody snake is the last to go, and then he will be mortal once more. Do you understand me, Ron? Somebody has to kill the snake."

Ron nodded. "Yeah, mate, I understand." He grabbed Harry in a hug. "I'm going to miss you, mate."

Harry slapped him on the back. "Me too, Ron." The hug separated. "Hermione?"

Hermione had tears in her eyes. "Harry … I have one request for you …"

"Name it."

"Let me come with you. My life is not worth living if you aren't there to be with me." Before he could open his mouth to refuse, she said, "I know how much you care for me, Harry, but I'm not taking no for an answer. I'll go with you to the very end."

By this time, Ron had tears in his eyes. Had everybody gone barking mad? "Hermione, have you thought about this? If he lets you go with him, I will lose two of my friends tonight."

"I have thought about it, Ron. You have to stay strong for us …"

They embraced each other in a hug, and separated.

"I'll never forget you two. We've had some mad adventures, eh?"

"Our adventures have been more of the barking mad variety, but, yes, Ron. They have been fun at the same time, with you as our trustworthy Comedy Relief."

That statement brought a smile to Ron through his tears. "Please, if you're going, just go, before I'm tempted to hold you back."

**~I'LL GO WITH YOU~**

As the duo arrived at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, Harry lifted the Golden Snitch to his mouth. "I am now ready to die."

The Golden Snitch opened to reveal the Resurrection Stone. Harry took it and turned it thrice in his hand.

Before the two of them stood the spirits of James Potter, Lily Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and – much to their shock – Severus Snape.

"Professor?"

"I expect you are surprised to see me here, right? My old rivalry with your Father means nothing to me now that I have passed beyond. Old things are passed away, and behold, all things have become new."

"I never wanted any of you to die for me … even you, Professor Snape … if I knew about this earlier …"

Professor Snape smiled. "I know, Potter. Perhaps I could have been friendlier towards you, but I had to maintain my cover. It surprises me not to see Miss Granger with you, though … seeing that she has been with you for everything else."

"What I said to you in your third year is so accurate, Hermione," said Sirius. "You are the brightest witch of your age."

"Thank you, Sirius."

"Hermione," said Lily Potter, "thank you for being there for my son through the tough times."

"The toughest time lies ahead of you two," said James Potter, "but we're almost there."

Harry looked at Remus. "Remus … it's so sad … your son … he's an orphan now …"

"Others will tell Teddy the story of when we lived, and why we died, Harry … don't worry."

"Does it hurt? Dying?"

"No, Harry," said Sirius, "it doesn't hurt. It's like falling asleep for a long nap."

"Are we the only ones who can see you?" said Hermione.

"Nobody else can, dearie, because we are a part of you … both of you, so united in love with each other."

"Will you stay with us?"

"Always," said Lily.

"Unto whatever end," said James.

**~I'LL GO WITH YOU~**

"No sign of him, My Lord," said an unknown Death Eater.

Voldemort turned around and he saw Harry and Hermione coming towards him.

"Ah, Harry Potter … the Boy Who Lived … and Miss Granger … his Mudblood … come to die, have you? Any final words?" Crickets chirped. "No? Is there to be no quick backlash from you for my insult of Miss Granger, Harry?" Crickets were still chirping. "Ah, very well, then. AVADA KEDAVRA!"

Much to the shock of the Death Eaters around Voldemort, as the Killing Curse hit Harry, Hermione fell down dead with him.

"Wow … two for the price of one. Isn't that odd?"

**~I'LL GO WITH YOU~**

They opened their eyes to find themselves in a bright train station.

"Harry … Hermione … the both of you are, without a doubt, the bravest, the brightest, and the most loving couple I have ever known for your generation," said Albus Dumbledore. "Forgive an old man his curiosity, but why did you come all the way out here when you banished the Horcrux out of you a few months ago?"

"Either way, Professor Dumbledore, I had to let Voldemort think he had won the war … for a moment. I didn't know it was a Horcrux until I saw your revelation about it in Professor Snape's memories. Wait just a minute … you said a few months ago?"

"I did."

Harry and Hermione thought back to that time, and they started to sport heavy blushes.

"Oh," said Harry, "that was what that mysterious scream was all about … it's a wonder I heard it at all …"

"That good, eh, son?" said James Potter.

"JAMES CHARLUS POTTER!"

"Lily-pad, are you saying I can't rib my son a little?"

"Don't you see he's embarrassed?"

"Why should he be, Lily-pad? He should be proud of himself, snatching up a beautiful and brainy one like Hermione! After all, brainy witches tend to be the naughtiest … am I right, or am I right?"

"Without a doubt, James, you and Sirius retain your reputations of incorrigibility, even in the Afterlife," said Professor Snape.

"It was a surprise to me that they were 'just friends' at the time I met them," said Sirius. "Hanging onto him like she was on the back of Buckbeak the hippogriff, risking all rupture of the space-time continuum to rescue me from an irrevocable death sentence at the horrific hands of a demonic soul-sucking fiend …"

"Wow. You've used so many big words, Black … it shocks me it didn't fry your brain to think of them all."

Sirius stuck his tongue out. "Bite me, Snivellus!"

Remus raised his hand. "Hey, I had a part to play as well …"

This drew James's interest. "What part did you play, Moony?"

Remus cleared his throat and he sang the same song Harry and Hermione heard over the radio that wondrous night [to the tune "Hallelujah" by Leonard Cohen, as covered by Jeff Buckley and others]:

"With Harry, girl, you won't feel harm,  
Can you feel the aphrodisiac charm?  
I'm guessing Harry Potter wants to do ya;  
Just tie him down onto the bed,  
Forget about Ron, that stupid head,  
Just make sweet love and sing out Hallelujah!  
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!  
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"

The group cracked up laughing at the couple's blushes.

"As much as I am sure we both would love to stay here with you," said Harry, "I don't think our mission is done yet. Voldemort has the Elder Wand, and he's going to kill more people if he has the chance."

"Indeed," said Dumbledore, "that choice does remain. Remember what I said about our choices versus our abilities?"

" 'It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities.' "

"Yes, and if I may put another spin on another of my quotes, help will be given at Hogwarts to those who are worthy of it."

"If the Horcrux is dead already, how would I be able to go back?"

"Remember the ingredients that Voldemort used in his resurrection ritual?"

Harry paused to think. "Bone of the father … flesh of the servant … and blood of the enemy … he took my blood!"

"You have it there, Harry … in his arrogance, Voldemort overlooked the fact that the blood which now runs in his veins is your remaining link between here and Earth."

"Don't pity us, dearie," said Lily. "Pity those who live without love."

"Remember us for as long as you both shall live," said James. "We will see you one day … a long time away from now …"

"Professor Dumbledore, if I may ask another question …"

"Go ahead, Harry."

"Is this all real, or is it happening in my head?"

Another merry laugh sounded from the group as Hermione made a facepalm.

"Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry – but why should that mean that it's not real?"

Lily said, "It's all in Plato, all in Plato … dear me, Albus, what did you teach Harry in school?"

Dumbledore laughed at himself. "Indeed. In retrospect, maybe I should have taught him some Logic … but Hermione will be an excellent tutor for him in the years to come …"

These were the last words Harry and Hermione heard as they went back to the mortal realm …

**Author's Note: Yet another fun dish of literary stew! Read and review – no flames, please! There will be more courses to come yet!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	4. Half Blood Harry Potter

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes I choose to use are the property of their respective creators.**

**For this next dish of literary stew (and this is one I am tempted to turn into a story), here we go with the start of my response to DZ2's "Twice Blessed Half Blood" challenge …**

**Chapter 4**

**Half Blood Harry Potter**

**(tentative title)**

The Dementors were coming. Harry could feel them.

"No … I can't lose Sirius … Expecto Patronum!"

A shield materialized over him and Sirius, but the Dementors broke it down and attacked him. He saw a small white orb come out of Sirius's mouth, and tears fell out of his eyes as he realized his godfather was about to die.

"Help us …"

An ear splitting scream of pain rent the sky as an eagle made of light swept across the Lake. The light shining from it killed the Dementors where they stood – the source of the scream – and the small orb went back into Sirius's mouth.

Harry looked up, and, before he fainted, he saw three figures across the Lake …

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Through Dumbledore's instructions, he and Hermione went back three hours using her Time-Turner, saved Buckbeak from execution, avoided a lycanthropic Remus on the rampage, and waited by the Lake for the Dementors to come.

"Hermione … before I passed out over at the Lake, I saw three figures. Two of those must have been us … but the third one …"

"Well, Harry, who do you think the third one was?"

"I know this might sound crazy, Hermione …"

"Try me. I have been with you for three years of crazy, after all."

"I think it was my Dad."

"But Harry, your Dad is …"

"Dead?" said a third voice. "Oh, my dear Miss Granger, I am far from dead."

The both of them spun around and saw a tall, bearded man with a pair of eyes blue as the morning sky, yet his aura spoke of a dangerous anger, one that Hermione had seen Harry express the last winter …

**~FLASHBACK~**

"Harry, what's wrong?"

"Sirius Black was their friend … and he betrayed them … **HE WAS THEIR FRIEND!**"

Thunder roared across the sky at Harry's outburst.

"I hope he finds me, because when he does, I'll be ready. When he does, I'm going to kill him!"

**~END FLASHBACK~**

"Now, Miss Granger, you were saying?"

Hermione was speechless for a few moments before she could form another coherent thought. "My apologies, sir, and with that, I will amend my original statement. We thought you were dead, and yet, here you are with us, alive." She stopped in thought. "That sounds illogical, doesn't it? There is no known magic that can call back the dead."

The stranger smiled. "True, Hermione … if I may call you that …"

"You may, sir."

"Thank you. It is not in the arts of Hecate to call the dead back to life. That would be in the domain of my brother Hades."

Hermione's eyes widened as her brain caught up with the information. "Ye gods! That narrows down your identity to none other than Zeus!" Her knees buckled and she would have fallen, had Harry not caught her.

Zeus's smile remained on his face, for indeed it was he. "Don't be afraid, Hermione; you are in no danger from Me. I am thankful to you for keeping My son safe, as I'm sure your Mother is thankful to him for keeping you safe."

"My mother, you say, Lord Zeus? I remember my father, but my mother … I never knew her …"

"Dad, I think she must be in shock."

"Hermione … trust Me when I say your Mother loves you and cares for you. Being a parent is a hard job, but if We, the gods and goddesses of Olympus, spend too much time with Our children – and We have many, I assure you – it becomes difficult to look after Our other responsibilities."

The three of them saw the image of an owl appearing over Hermione's head. "Ah, it looks like she has claimed you."

"Okay, Dad … would that make her my niece?"

"Through your divine ancestry, Son, yes, it would … but it doesn't count as far as demigod dating is concerned. You may date people from other Cabins, but not from your own Cabin."

There were blushes on the couple's cheeks. "Thank the gods," they said.

"Why do you ask, Son? Are you dating Hermione already?"

"Dad!"

Zeus chortled. "You aren't dating her? Oy, color me surprised! A female saves your tuchas as many times as she has, and you two aren't dancing the horizontal mambo? Doing a little dance, making a little love? Making the beast with two backs? Inserting sword into sheath? Giggity giggity giggity? I've got a million of these, Son …"

Harry and Hermione's collective blush deepened. "We bet …"

"It will happen in good time, I'm sure. Ah, Sirius has arrived at the other side of the Black Lake, and so have you. Are you ready for this, Son?"

Harry ran forward to the Lake, looked back at Zeus and Hermione smiling at him, and said, "ΠΡΟΣΔΟΚΩ ΣΩΤΗΡΑ!"

The solar radiance of the eagle Patronus burned the Dementors on contact. None escaped.

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

As they flew on Buckbeak with an eagle by their side, Harry started to laugh.

"What's so funny all of a sudden, Harry?"

"As crazy as it sounds, I was the one who sent that Patronus, and my Dad's alive! I thought my Dad sent the Patronus, but it was me! Does that make any sense, Hermione?"

"Harry, I think I've resigned myself to admitting that Logic and Normality take a hike where you are concerned, and I've accepted that! I do have one confession, though –"

"What's that, Hermione?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I hate fly-ING!" She finished the last statement in a scream as they flew down to the tower where Sirius was sitting.

Sirius looked up. "Harry! Hermione! What are you two doing here?"

"Busting you out of here and saving your life," said Hermione. "Stand back … BOMBARDA!"

The lock flew open, and Sirius leaped on top of Buckbeak and flew down with them into the courtyard, laughing about the hilarity of the situation.

"I cannot thank the both of you enough for saving my life," he said when they landed. "Harry, it is a shame that I spent so little time with you as a godfather should. I apologize."

"You are safe, Sirius, and that's what matters."

"You look so much like your Father, you know that?"

"He has his Mother's eyes, Padfoot," said Zeus behind him.

"Wait a minute … that voice sounded familiar …" he spun around. "James?"

"James Potter was a mortal shell I created for myself, Sirius, but enough talk now … you have to hightail it out of here."

"Where shall I go? Will I see Harry again?"

"I am certain that you will see him again, and sooner than you think. As to where, Camp Half-Blood out in New York will shelter you. Don't worry, I Myself will guide you and Buckbeak there."

"Hey, if you have Zeus, the Lord of the Sky on your side," said Harry, "what could go wrong?"

Sirius looked in shock at Zeus. "Wow ..."

Zeus chuckled as he ruffled Harry's hair. "You mischievous little scamp … I am so proud of you. Now, before dawn tomorrow, make your way to the Astronomy Tower with your trunks and school materials. I have arranged a lift for the both of you and Remus."

Sirius leaped onto Buckbeak. "Hermione, you are, without a doubt, the brightest witch of your age. Out of curiosity, are you two dating yet?"

"I asked them already, and no, they are not," said Zeus. "At least, they aren't dating at the moment."

"Lord Zeus, with all due respect, I don't know whether that news should relieve me or shock me as Harry's godfather. I am afraid I suspect the latter."

"It will come, Sirius, I'm sure of it. Should I ask Hermes to start making bets on the two of them?" They laughed at the couple's blushes. "Now, hurry back to the Hospital Wing. We will see each other again soon."

With that, Sirius, Buckbeak, and Zeus in an eagle form flew off into the night sky.

Harry and Hermione ran to the Hospital Wing and ran into Dumbledore coming out.

"Professor Dumbledore, we did it!"

"Did what, Harry?" he said with a wink. "Good night, you two!"

They ran into the Hospital Wing, where they saw their former selves vanish.

"Where did you two come from?" said Ron. "First I saw you there, and now you're over there! What's happening?"

"Ron, don't be ridiculous!" said Hermione.

"Yeah, Ron, how can two people be in two places at the same time?"

They laughed, not because they thought Ron was stupid (which he was), but the whole situation would come out so illogical that if they explained it, who would believe them?

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Up at the Astronomy Tower, Harry, Hermione, and a recovered Remus Lupin waited as they witnessed the dawn. With its arrival, the Sun chariot alighted on the Tower and its driver, a teen with a bright smile and shades stepped out of it.

"What's up? Dad asked Me to give you all a lift out to Camp Half-Blood. Let Me just read out the names here … Harry Potter?"

"Present."

"Hermione Granger?"

"Present."

"Remus Lupin?"

"Present."

"Excellent … everyone is here. Allow Me to get your trunks, then you can hop on and we will be going." While he brought their trunks onboard, he saw Hermione's look of worry. "Don't be afraid, Hermione. I have been driving this chariot since long before any of you were born, so I know what I'm doing. Would a different design help?"

"I think so, Lord Apollo. I just … have some problems with heights, that's all."

Apollo clicked his keys and the Sun chariot transformed into a small luxury airplane. "Not bad, eh? Hop on, now."

They got onto the Sun airplane. "This is your captain speaking. My name is Phoebus Apollo, son of Zeus, and I will be taking the three of you on a flight out to Camp Half-Blood in New York. Please make sure you have fastened your seat belts and your tray tables are in the upright position. Hermione, if you should feel the need to panic, my suggestion is that you should hold onto Harry for dear life. Giggity."

Remus laughed at the blushing couple. "You know what, Harry? Lord Apollo sounds like he could have fit into the Marauders just fine."

Apollo looked back at him and beamed. "You know what's funny, Remus? I'm father to two of the Marauders …"

Before Remus could say anything more, (like "You're joking!"), he saw the glow of a Sun above his head. "Who's the other one?"

"Who else do you think?"

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

While waiting at the entrance of Camp Half-Blood, Sirius Black saw the same glow of a Sun above his head.

"That's odd," he said to himself. "If I remember my Greek pantheon aright, I would have guessed myself a son of Hermes. Ah, well, it has to be the sunny disposition I carry … pun intended."

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

"Before we leave the shores of Merry England, I thought we would send a little farewell to your hateful Muggle relatives, Harry. They deserve a piece of the Underworld before they arrive there, in particular that fat walrus you call Uncle Vernon."

Harry grinned like a shark smelling fresh blood. "Lord Apollo, what did you have in mind?"

"Remus, My Son, there is a quiver of solar arrows and a bow for you. Have fun while we pause our flight."

Remus grabbed the quiver and notched an arrow. "Harry, Hermione … would you like to make some additions?"

Hermione added on her patented bluebell flames, and Harry added on an electrical charge. Remus aimed for the gas tank …

BOOM! The loud explosion of Vernon's car made the houses of Privet Drive jump. Of course, it caused Vernon to come out.

"WHAT IN BLAZES HAPPENED TO MY CAR?!"

Another couple solar arrows blew off both of his legs at the kneecaps, and a third ended the possibility of his having any more kids. This assumed that he would live, but a fourth solar arrow went straight through his eye into his brain, sending his soul to the Underworld.

"Note to self," said Harry. "Solar arrows plus electricity equals major damage."

Apollo cranked up Metallica's "No Remorse" as they flew away …

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Up high on Mount Olympus, the other gods were enjoying the show.

"Dad," said Ares, "did you see how Remus just took down Vernon Dursley like he was nothing? Let's not forget that explosion! This death is going onto my list of favorite mortal deaths I've seen – so much blood and gore, wow!"

"Of course you would love the blood and gore, Ares," said Athena. "My Daughter is not someone you cross without the severest retribution. Along with Harry, they make for a formidable team."

"I must wonder," said Zeus, "does Vernon have two drachmas for the Ferryman?"

"Nope, Dad," said Hermes, "he doesn't."

"Alas, what a pity." His quiet chuckle grew into a riotous laugh that spread among the gods present as they realized Vernon's problem. Even though Vernon had made a lot of money working as a manager for the drill company Grunnings, he could not take any of that money with him into the Underworld, and even if he could have taken any of it, it would not suffice for the Ferryman.

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

"Here we are at your destination," said Apollo. "Harry, your Father left some armor, a sword and a shield for you, and Hermione, your Mother has left the same. It should come in handy when it's time for Capture the Flag or any quest that comes your way."

"Thanks, brother Apollo," said Harry.

Apollo tousled Harry's hair. "You're welcome, little bro. Hermione? Keep a close eye on him … no telling what trouble will accompany him, even here."

"With all due respect, Lord Apollo, I have been with him for three years of trouble at Hogwarts. How much worse could the trouble be?"

"You've heard of the bloody Trojan War, right?"

"The same as told in Homer's _Illiad_?"

Apollo nodded. "There is another war on the horizon, one that will promise to make the Trojan War look like a water balloon fight in comparison. Someone has stolen Father's Master Lightning Bolt, and He has decreed that unless it is returned to Him by the Summer Solstice, war will break out between the gods. Even the Camp would split according to its Cabins. Sorry for dumping all this information on you, but you need to know. A demigod must have stolen the Bolt during the Winter Solstice: that much we know, for ancient laws forbid the gods from handling each other's symbols of power. Which demigod did so, we do not know, though Father does have his suspicions."

"Who's the prime suspect, brother?"

"Father suspects Percy Jackson, son of Poseidon, as the Lightning Thief."

"If Father and Uncle Poseidon may forgive my pun – not that I'm coming to Jackson's defense, because I don't know anything about his innocence or guilt in the matter – something smells fishy about that accusation."

"That's a good point, Harry," said Hermione. "Where's the proof that Jackson is the thief?"

Apollo smiled. "Spoken like a true Daughter of Athena! For the record, I agree with Athena that there should be evidence pointing to Percy as the Lightning Thief, but when Father gets in a mood …" he shivered. "Even if the other gods were to join against Him, He could beat them all. It is terrible to face Him when he's in a tempestuous mood, no pun intended."

"So we find out who the Lightning Thief is, get the Master Bolt back to Dad by the Summer Solstice, and restore peace to the halls of Olympus."

"That is the gist of it, yes."

Harry buried his head in his hands. "Oy, gevalt!"

"Wait just a moment!" said Hermione. "Shouldn't there be records on Olympus that say who has entered its hallowed halls?"

Apollo laughed as he lifted Hermione and spun her around. "Oh, dear Hermione, I could kiss you for that – though I'm afraid I will leave the kissing to Harry, lest I arouse his jealousy –"

"No kidding there, brother. I understand your celebratory mood, but, please put her down."

"– It's a brilliant idea, though, Hermione! It's so brilliant, I wish I thought of it! Even if this proves Percy's innocence, there remains the matter of returning Father's Bolt by the Summer Solstice, as well as discovering the identity of the Lightning Thief."

"I said it before and I'll say it again. Oy, gevalt!"

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

"HEROES!" said Chiron the centaur. "This is Percy Jackson, and he's going to need a team."

"We will take him," said a sandy-haired youth. "Luke Castellan, son of Hermes and Head Camp Counsellor; not in that order. Welcome to the Blue Team, my friend. Say, Chiron, do we have some extra armor for him? Kid's a goner."

Percy gulped.

"I'm messing with you, Percy. Lighten up and you'll live longer."

Chiron saw four new arrivals. "Welcome to Camp Half-Blood. My name is Chiron. Would our newcomers like to introduce themselves?"

"Sirius Black, son of Apollo."

"Remus Lupin, son of Apollo."

"Hermione Granger, daughter of Athena."

"Harry Potter. If it's all the same to my fellow demigods at the Camp, I'm not revealing my godly heritage at the present time."

"That will be fine, Harry. Let's see … you will go with the Red Team, which includes Apollo's Cabin, Ares's Cabin, and Athena's Cabin."

A blonde girl came up to them. "Welcome to Athena's Cabin, sis. Annabeth Chase. Do either of you have any experience with a sword?"

"I do," said Harry, "but the last time I used one, a sixty foot Basilisk tried to kill me. If a phoenix didn't help me out, I would have died."

Annabeth's eyes widened. "Θεοι αθανατοι, εξηντα ποδια?" (Immortal gods, sixty feet?)

They nodded.

She shrugged. "Monsters come with the territory of being a demigod, I'm afraid. Thank the gods you are still alive. After we finish Capture the Flag, Hermione, could you tell me about all the monsters you two have faced?"

"I would love that, Annabeth. Harry looks quite dashing in his armor, doesn't he?"

"Indeed. Whoever his Olympian parent is, he or she must give him high favor. I don't know if you two are dating yet, but, Harry, here's a wise word of advice: when you do start dating her, don't break her heart. If you break her heart, Mum and the rest of the Athena Cabin will make the rest of your life miserable, is that clear?"

"Crystal clear, Annabeth."

"I'm glad to hear it. How long have you known each other?"

"Three years."

Annabeth turned to Hermione. "No pressure, sis, but something tells me that before the day is over, the rest of us will know who his Olympian parent is, and if you haven't claimed him as your own boyfriend, there will be a line of females who will want a piece of him." Taking note of the lightning bolt scar on Harry's head, she leaned into him and said into his ear:

"As handsome as you are – even I won't deny it – don't let your hubris make you cocky … Bolt Head ..."

She winked at him, as if to show that she meant nothing malicious by the nickname. Hermione giggled at his blush.

"Now, who's ready to kick some γλουτους?"

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Percy came to the river and saw the Red Flag. He walked along to grab it, when Annabeth appeared in front of him.

"Did you think it would be that easy, Percy? My mother is the Goddess of Wisdom and Battle Strategy. I never lose."

"I never win," said Percy. "Maybe we're both wrong."

This started a fierce battle between the two. Percy tried his best to defend.

"Chiron, they're going to kill each other!" said Grover, a satyr and Percy's best friend.

"No, Grover, wait! This is the best part ..."

Percy ended up on the ground with cuts to his face and his arm.

"Stand up and fight, hero!"

The jeers he heard faded into the background as a voice said, "Percy, come into the water. It will heal you and give you strength."

Holding his hand in the water, his wounds healed, much to Annabeth's amazement. He knocked down a number of the Ares kids, including Clarisse LaRue – breaking her spear in the process – fought Annabeth a second time, swiping her sword away, and then looked around for any more challengers.

"Good fighting, Percy," said Harry, "but as the saying goes –"

"–You must have an ace in the hole," said Hermione.

"Are you up for a challenge, Seaweed Brain?"

Even the additional strength and speed he had gained from the water was not enough for Percy to take down Harry and Hermione working together. Harry's sword produced thunder as it met his sword, Riptide. Neither side could gain any advantage over the other, so he turned a back flip into the river.

"So, Percy … are you feeling you have the advantage on your home turf? Think again ..." With a quick prayer to Poseidon in his mind – "Uncle Poseidon, please don't hate me for this," – Harry inserted his lightning charged sword into the river, stunning him.

When he opened his eyes, he saw two swords above him.

"Do you yield, Percy Jackson?"

"Yes, I yield."

Harry reached down and helped him up. "Good match, Percy; good match."

"Where did you two learn to fight like that?"

Harry shook his head. "I don't know, but it seems our divine parents want us to be ready for whatever comes our way. Wait just a minute … why is everybody looking so afraid?"

"Um, Harry? You might want to look up."

Harry looked up, and above him was the image of a lightning bolt. He then looked at Hermione, who was beaming at him. A wave of water behind her knocked her into him in such a way that they found themselves kissing each other.

Much to the amazement of the witnesses, an eagle and an owl appeared accompanied by a dove that flew above them. A golden light shone from the dove, encircling the birds and the two kissing humans in the river.

"In all the years I have been at this Camp," said Chiron, tears of joy flowing into his beard, "I have never witnessed such a beautiful blessing like this."

When the couple separated, a loud cheer broke out among the campers.

"Chiron, can you tell us what happened there?"

"I think your Father, Harry, and your Mother, Hermione, can explain it better than I could, since I have never seen the like before out here. I believe they are waiting for you in the Zeus Cabin."

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Sure enough, a smiling Zeus and Athena were waiting for them in the Zeus Cabin.

"Harry … Hermione … Our congratulations to the both of you."

"Dad … what happened out there?"

"Lady Aphrodite decided that you deserved some happiness in your life, Harry … and so, with Our blessings, of course, She has blessed you both in the bonds of marriage."

"MARRIAGE?! Good gods, Dad, Olympus doesn't do anything halfway, am I right, or am I right?"

"Is there some kind of problem?" said Athena, her stormy gray eyes blazing. "I hope you don't object to Our blessing, or so help Me, I will make your life a misery ..."

"Lady Athena, forgive my outburst. I'm just … shocked. Sure, I was planning to go through dating, engagement, then marriage, but just leaping into this in such a way … it's a lot to process, but I do not object to Your blessing. Hermione is beautiful, she's smart … she's saved my tuchas countless times ..."

Athena's eyes calmed. "You have saved her as well, Harry, for which I am most grateful to let you marry her. Sure, you may be reckless at times, but your heart is in the right place. Her intelligence is the perfect balance to you, even you realize that."

"As for you, Hermione," said Zeus, "that brilliant idea you gave through Apollo has healed whatever rift existed between Me and Poseidon since the time when I found My Master Bolt was missing. I checked the records of those who have been to Olympus during the Winter Solstice, and Percy Jackson was not on them, so he can rest easy, knowing that My threat towards him has disappeared."

"My thanks, Lord Zeus," she said with a curtsy.

"You may call Me Dad, Hermione."

"As you may call Me Mom, Harry. I know I may not be a replacement for Lily Potter, but as a member of your family, I would like to be there for you as much as I can."

"I hope Lord Poseidon was not mad about me stunning Percy," said Harry.

"Are you kidding, Harry? We were roaring with laughter about it, and even more so when He brought that wave to knock Hermione into you, in order to, in His words, 'give those demigod lovebirds just the right push.' He is thankful beyond measure to you … to the both of you."

Athena cleared Her throat. "As far as this mortal custom of dating is concerned, who says you had to skip it to get here? Sure, you two may have known each other for three years, but Harry, you can still take her out on dates, even after marriage."

"Dad, there remains the matter of the Master Bolt. If Percy didn't steal it, who did?"

"That is what you two will have to find out for yourselves. There were many demigods around during the Winter Solstice, and it would not be proper to smack them all like an irate schoolmaster."

Athena ruffled Harry's hair. "Stay strong, Harry. We commend your courage … but try not to do anything stupid ..."

When the two gods disappeared, Harry looked at Hermione. "That last bit sounds like something you would say ..."

She giggled as they kissed again.

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

"Make way for Percy Jackson, the Son of Poseidon, Harry Potter, son of Zeus, and Hermione Potter, Daughter of Athena!" said Grover as he led the three of them to the campfire.

"Hey, Percy?" said a girl. "Listen, some of us were going to have a little party down by the river. Would you like to come join us?"

Percy grinned. "Sounds fun."

Grover joined the grin. "Yeah, ladies, sounds fun."

Annabeth came on the scene. "Beat it, nymphs!"

As they scattered, Grover ran after them. "Yo, ladies! I'm still available for this party!"

"So, Annabeth, would you care to tell me what the tension is between my Dad and your Mom?"

"While They do respect each other, Percy, They have not been fans of each other, ever since the time They competed to become the patron of Athens. Poseidon gave them a spring, but it was salt water. Athena gave them an olive tree, so Athens chose Her as its patron. They have not liked each other ever since."

"What about you? What do you feel about me?"

"I will admit, I do have strong feelings about you, but I don't know if they're positive or negative yet."

"When you find out, please let me know."

"I'm sure you will be the first to know … apart from Bolt Head and Hermione. Speaking of Hermione, she owes us a story about Bolt Head."

Harry groaned, much to Percy's amusement. Before Hermione could open her mouth, though, a tall, fiery being with wings came out of the campfire.

"Percy Jackson? Percy Jackson, are you here? Come out here and be a good boy … come out, come out, wherever you are … give Me the Lightning Bolt and I will exchange it for your mother."

Percy glared. "My mother's dead!"

"No, Percy, she's not dead; she's with Me in the Underworld. Is Harry Potter here?"

"It's a fine evening tonight, isn't it, Uncle? Feeling so cramped in the Underworld that You had to come up and terrify the rest of us, didn't You?"

"Let Me start this off by giving you my deepest apologies for what My Son did to you all those years ago, Harry. I have kept My eyes on you ever since. By the way, congratulations on your marriage."

"Thank you, Uncle. So … Voldemort is Your Son?"

"Yes … surprised?"

Harry shook his head. "Nope. It would explain the aura of fear he could generate in people, and I've met him twice ..."

"... And you have beaten him twice. When someone like him tries to cheat Death, it throws everything else into chaos. He was so capable, Harry, but he has killed so many innocent lives, your Mother included, that the other Gods asked Me what I could do. I said, 'None other but the King of the Gods struck Voldemort with a lightning bolt and You're asking what I could do? I am surprised that Voldemort is still alive.' "

"Are you proposing an alliance, Uncle?"

"Yes, I am. With My help, you can rid your existence of Voldemort so you can have some measure of peace. I get his soul to torment in the Underworld for all eternity, and in return, who knows? You may get a longer lifespan out of this deal. No pressure, nephew. Come down to the Underworld with Percy and We will talk some more. By the way, be careful. I prefer that you arrive in the Underworld in one piece." With that, Hades left in a burst of flame.

"Chiron," said Percy, "He has my mother."

"If you don't have the Bolt, Percy, how could you bring it to Him? He will kill both you and your Mother. We need to convince Zeus of your innocence."

"He realizes you are innocent," said Harry. "Hermione came up with the idea to check the records that stated who had come into Olympus's hallowed halls, and the Gods did not find Percy's name there."

"That's a big relief, but what are we to do about my mother? I can't leave her there!"

"Try to think of the bigger picture, Percy. If Dad doesn't get His Lightning Bolt back by the Summer Solstice, war will break out, remember?"

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

Later that night, Harry and Hermione saw Percy walking out of his cabin.

"So, where do you think you're going this time of night?"

"I'm going to get my mom back. Why do you ask?"

"If you think we're going to let you go to the Underworld all on your own, you must have kelp for brains or something," said Harry.

"Hey, you are interested because of that alliance He mentioned, am I right, Harry?"

"In part, yes … but it is hard to survive on your own. You need your friends with you."

"Harry's right," said Annabeth, a little winded from running. "You need all the help you can get. Besides, I have done nothing but stay here and train for the last four years, and I'm getting restless."

"ADHD will do that to a person," said Percy. "Grover explained it to me as an expression of our battle reflexes."

"Well, it's good to know you can pay attention. As your protector, regulations state I have to go with you," said Grover.

"Junior protector," said Percy.

"Oh, come on … was that necessary?"

Harry and Hermione looked at Annabeth for an explanation. "It's a sad story, but the last mission Grover did before his mission with Percy was unsuccesful."

Grover bleated; something about remembering that unfortunate mission rankled his fur.

"So, getting into the Underworld will be one matter, but how will we get out?" said Hermione.

Annabeth smiled. "I think I know someone who can help."

**~HALF BLOOD HARRY POTTER~**

They found Luke in his room playing a video game.

"Ah … I was wondering when you would get here. Everybody does, at some point or another, when they start becoming bored of the sword fighting, Capture the Flag, yadda, yadda, yadda. How may I help you?"

"As you know, Luke, our mission leads to the Underworld," said Annabeth. "We were hoping you would know how to get there and get out, seeing as that is one of your Father's missions."

Luke snorted. "My Father? He's a jerk, and I've never met Him."

"How can you say He's a jerk when you've never met Him?" said Hermione.

"The Gods are supposed to love Their children – us – right? What kind of parent refuses to show up for his or her child? I have seen too much to disbelieve in the Gods, so while I do believe in Their existence, They have to be jerks. How about you ask your Daddy dearest about your sister Thalia, Harry? He didn't send down a lightning bolt to save us when we arrived at Camp – Annabeth, Thalia, Grover, and me – oh, no! Thalia volunteered to cover for us, but the Cyclopes injured her, and so your Dad turned her into a tree to protect the Camp. So she has remained for these four years, deprived of all human companionship and interaction ..."

Annabeth cleared her throat. "I miss Thalia as well, Luke, but can we get back on track here?"

"Oh … right. I did sneak into my Dad's house once, and I got a pair of these."

He handed them a shoe box, and within were a pair of Nikes with wings on them.

"Those might come in handy for Percy, if he ever needs them. My Dad has a million pairs, so He won't ever miss them. Also, Percy, you will need a shield, so, for that, you can have my favorite."

The shield in question had an initial form of an armband that went along the arm from hand to elbow. Percy found the button, pressed it, and the armband expanded into a shield.

Harry smelled a faint scent of ozone centered around the shield, and his eyes narrowed at Luke. Luke paid it no attention, as he said, "As to the question of how to get out of the Underworld, here's a map leading to Persephone's Pearls. As you pick up each Pearl, the map will show you the location of the next one. I wish all of you a happy hunt, and … by the way, if you see my Dad?"

"What?"

"Kick His rear for me."

"Go ahead," said Harry to Hermione, "I will catch up." When the others had left the tent, Luke looked back to him.

"Something else that you would like to add, Harry?"

Harry grabbed him by the lapel of his shirt and lifted him up. "You think you are a sneaky one, don't you, Luke? I don't know if the intention of this mission is to see us dead, or not –"

Luke let out a nervous laugh. "Dead? What kind of Son would I be for the God of the Travelers if my advice led to your death?"

"A poor one, no doubt … though if I do find out that you were the Lightning Thief, you will find yourself in a world of pain such as you have never felt before."

Luke smirked. "Is that a threat, Harry?"

Harry slammed him on the ground, withdrew his sword, and brought it close to his face, electricity crackling.

"No … that's a promise!"

Having said his piece, he sped out of the tent after his comrades, while Luke lay there on the ground, trembling in fear …

**Author's Note: Another fun chapter done. This title is only tentative, but if you have any better suggestions, I would love to hear them. Read and review – no flames, please!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**

**P.S.,**

**The spell "****Προσδοκω Σωτηρα" ****is the Greek equivalent of "Expecto Patronum." The word "expecto" is found in the Nicene Creed ("expecto resurrectionem mortuorum" – I await the resurrection of the dead) and "patronum" is the accusative case (direct object form) of "patronus" … which is seen in the Catholic Dies Irae prayer referring to a patron or defender ("Quem patronum rogaturus" – What patron/defender to ask [for help]), as in a defense lawyer in a courtroom. Therefore, "Expecto Patronum" means, "I await a defender," or, for that matter, "I await a Savior." The word ****Σωτηρα ****is the accusative case of ****Σωτηρ, ****meaning Savior.**

**I thought you might find that linguistic note interesting. There will be more servings to come, I assure you!**


	5. Aleph of Vampires

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. This next dish of literary stew is from another of DZ2's challenges, "Prince of the Night." DragonTamer01 was the one to suggest I take a whack at this, and I accepted. I do have some interesting twists on Dracula's background, however. Read on, if you dare!**

**/Aramaic/**

**Chapter 5**

**Aleph of Vampires**

He had waited for an age of about 2,000 years, give or take a century. An immortal existence for him meant that the lives of the mortals who surrounded him passed by him like the blink of an eye.

Mortals – they were so unsuspecting, and so superstitious. He had a hearty, gut-busting laugh at Bram Stoker's book known as "Dracula" – this Irishman had such a vivid imagination! Stoker thought that his origins lay in the time of the infamous Vlad Ţepeş ("Impaler") Dracula, a 15th-century ruler of Wallachia, a region in modern day Romania.

No, his origins were more ancient than 15th-century Romania; they lay in a more ancient time, in a tiny strip of land that most people wouldn't think to look at twice, were it not for the twin religions that came out of it …

**~ALEPH OF VAMPIRES~**

One late night in Jerusalem, the Sanhedrin – a judicial council of rabbis – had gathered together for an irregular meeting to judge one of their own, a Galilean rabbi by the name of Jesus.

/This man says he's King of the Jews!/ said one witness, to everyone's laughter.

/I heard him say he will destroy the Temple, and build it again in three days!/ said another witness, spitting in Jesus's face.

Jesus kept silent. Caiaphas, High Priest and head of the Sanhedrin, said, /Do you have nothing to say to these accusations? I ask you now, Jesus of Nazareth, tell us: Are you the Messiah, son of the living God?/

Jesus looked at Caiaphas square in the face. The split second of silence was tense enough to hear a pin drop. A witness would have expected a thunderclap to sound at His answer, but, though it was quiet, it had the impact of one: /I AM …/

The audience gasped, but He had more to say:

/…and you will one day see the Son of Man sitting at the right hand of power, and coming on the clouds of Heaven!/

A roar of outrage consumed the Sanhedrin as Caiaphas tore his robes in distress. /Blasphemy! Why do we need any more witnesses? You have all heard his blasphemy; what say you?/

/DEATH!/

**~ALEPH OF VAMPIRES~**

No, this is not the story of Jesus. His story, as told in the Four Gospels of the New Testament, is too familiar to many readers. However, there is a connection between the God who became Man and this story.

The connection starts with an infamous betrayal for 30 pieces of silver …

**~ALEPH OF VAMPIRES~**

Judas Iscariot came rushing through to see Caiaphas, tears running down his face. /I have sinned … I have betrayed innocent blood ... I don't want this money; take it back!/

Caiaphas shrugged. /What business is that of ours? If you have betrayed innocent blood, that's your own affair. You deal with it! Take your money and go!/

Judas threw the money onto the floor and ran outside. Some distance from Jerusalem, he found a rope, threw it around a nearby tree, and tried to hang himself.

As he hung from the rope, he saw a being standing before him, wearing a black robe. The being's voice chilled the choking traitor to the bone.

/Judas, Judas, Judas, what seems to be the matter? Are you out of breath?/

/I … betrayed … him …/

/So you did, Judas, but it was all part of the Plan of my Enemy's Greater Good. He wants to die – don't misunderstand Me, I will take great delight in watching Him die, but what about you? Do you want to die, knowing what awaits you on the other side? Why should He ever forgive you?/

/Then … what else … do I have … to live for?/

Satan clicked his tongue. /Oh, no, no, no, this would never do! Just a moment …/

He withdrew a flaming sword and chopped the rope. Judas fell to the ground. He looked up.

/Why did you chop the rope?/

/I have other plans for you, but I can't carry them out if you're dead, now, can I, Judas?/ He lifted him to his feet. /I hope you are enjoying these recent gasps of air, because they will be the last that you ever breathe!/

/What do you mean?/

Satan's only answer was to bite his neck. /You are going to live, Judas, as something a bit, shall we say … more. The Almighty made humanity in His image, but now with you as my new disciple, I will make it anew … in Mine!/

Judas gazed up at his Master with blood-red eyes. /How may I serve you, Master?/

Satan's answer was a cold laugh …

**~ALEPH OF VAMPIRES~**

Judas Iscariot, now known as Dracula, had seen a lot in the approximate 2,000 years that separated his re-birth as the first of the Undead and the present day.

He saw the ravages of Caesar Nero as Peter, leader of the Apostles, ended up on an upside-down cross and Paul, Apostle to the Gentiles, lost his head to an executioner's blade.

He saw the deaths of many Christian martyrs in the Coliseum. Whether the deaths were by beast or gladiator, he could not deny the entertainment factor.

He saw the Christians march off in the Crusades to fight off the Muslim foes who had taken over Jerusalem – and though he was no fan of Christians, he joined with them to help. The Muslims came to fear him as an unstoppable terror. The truce he made with the Christian soldiers ended when he witnessed some of these same soldiers massacring Jews. He left the Crusades, but not without leaving a furious bloodbath in his wake.

**~ALEPH OF VAMPIRES~**

At his bedroom in 4 Privet Drive, Harry woke up in a cold sweat. Unless his most recent dream had deceived him, Voldemort was alive in some inhuman form, and he wanted to find him for the purpose of some terrible revenge.

A flash of lightning illuminated the room, and he saw a tall stranger in the corner. He raised his wand.

"Who are you, and how did you get in here?"

The stranger's smile was unnerving. "How did I get in here? The window was open. As for my name, I have had many names over the years, but are you sure you want to threaten me with that wand, youngling?"

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't … whoa!"

Swifter than a mortal could blink, the stranger had approached him.

"You were saying?"

"Merlin, I've never seen anyone move that fast, except Professor Lupin!"

"This Professor Lupin … he's a friend?"

Harry nodded. "He's one of my best teachers."

"You may consider yourself good with your wand, youngling, but if I so wanted it, you would be dead before you could fire off one spell to kill me … there is your reason."

"Given the speed at which you approached me, that's a damn good reason … so, you don't want to kill me?"

"No … after all, does the man at the slaughterhouse talk with the cow? Does a lion talk with a gazelle? Who talks with his food before eating it?"

"Touché … so, whoever you are, if you don't want to kill me, what is your purpose of coming here to see me? By what name, among the many names you claim, shall I call you?"

"Perhaps it will be best if I show you … if you will allow me." He saw the trepidation in Harry's eyes. "Fear not … the pain lasts for a moment, but if you can accept me, Dracula, as /your father in blood …/"

He noted Harry's confusion. "Sorry … that was a linguistic slip of the tongue. It's Aramaic for, 'your father in blood.' "

"Father in blood?"

"I know that James Potter was your mortal father, Harry. Yes, I know your name; how could I not, given the legend that has grown up around you?"

Harry snorted. "My legend has led me into trouble more times than I can count. Asking for an ordinary existence is too much, I fear."

"Yet, in spite of the trouble you have faced, you did not succumb to it, but you rose above it. It seems you have an extraordinary existence as a powerhouse to make your enemies tremble in fear. You are the last remaining Potter, as well as the Heir of Godric Gryffindor. On the other hand, you do not know … the other half of your story ..."

"Go ahead."

Having said that, the Aleph of the Undead bit Harry's neck …

**~DRACULA'S MINDSCAPE~**

"After I left the Crusades with a pool of Christian blood at my feet … as well as Muslim … I made my way to your nation of England. There, I met the Four Founders of Hogwarts … well, to be more accurate, three of the Four Founders, for Salazar Slytherin had left over the Muggleborn argument … though it was not because he was prejudiced against them."

"He wasn't prejudiced against them? That is news to me."

"No, he was not. There was a war going on between the Muggles and the wizards at the time, and Salazar was concerned about the Muggleborns joining with the Muggles, though he would later discover that his fears were unfounded. At the time I met Godric, Helga, and Rowena, they had no reason to mistrust me. I am sure Salazar would have objected to me – if he found out what I was – so the timing of this meeting was, shall we say, a blessing in disguise."

"How could they not find out what you were? You cannot go out in sunlight, or else you would burn to ashes, am I right?"

Dracula chuckled. "No, that is a mortal superstition, though there is some truth to it. We vampires do not burn up in sunlight, but since we are nocturnal creatures, we will weaken and become drowsy if we are out in the sunlight too long. It is similar to a mortal who spends too much time awake at night, since he, by contrast, is diurnal, or, to say it in simpler English, a daytime creature."

"What about garlic, or a stake through the heart?"

"Garlic tastes awesome for a mortal. I wouldn't know, of course, for mortal food and drink have no taste for me. It has no effect of repelling me, though the smell can repel other mortals. As for a stake through the heart – what an imagination Bram Stoker had! – that wouldn't kill me either, but it would paralyze me."

"What about crosses and other holy objects?"

"I am not a fan of those, but, again, they would have no effect. As for silver, that doesn't kill me, but it is painful."

"What about decapitation?"

"I am sad to admit it, but it does work for killing a vampire. Nobody can live without his head. The other way I know would be fire."

"Do vampires require human blood?"

"It is the most preferred of our food sources. Animal blood will work as well, but it is not as rich – and animals can be easier to kill than humans. Shall we go back to your story, Harry?"

"Yes … so they found out what you were?"

Dracula nodded. "It was a matter of time ..."

They watched the scene, and Godric was the first to speak. "Domine Dracula, nonne solo saguinem humanam bibere necessitas?" (Lord Dracula, you only need to drink human blood, right?)

"Non, Domine Godric … sanguinem animalem bibere possum. Si requiritis, in silva prohibita venari possum." (No, Lord Godric … I can drink animal blood. If you require it, I can hunt in the forbidden forest.)

Helga said, "Sanguinem animalium innocentium tibi bibere prohibebimus. In hac categoria unicornes includimus, quia sanguis unicornis quemquem bibit ab portae mortis retinebit, sed cum pretio exsecrationis. Tibi sanguinem animalium periculosorum bibere permittemus. Nos intelliges?" (To thee We will prohibit drinking the blood of innocent animals. We include unicorns in this category, because the blood of a unicorn will keep whomsoever drinks from the doors of death, but with the price of a curse. To thee We will permit drinking the blood of dangerous animals. Dost thou understand Us?)

"Vos intelligo." (I understand ye.)

Godric said, "Hospem eiactare post eum accepisti impolitus est credimus, Domine Dracula. Ut studentes salvi sint, sanguinem horum tibi bibere prohibebimus. Si schola in statu belli est, aut intra scholam, aut ad foras scholae, regnum libertum eliminare hostes nostros habebis, tam justus videbis. Quod proposuimus, accipis?" (We believe throwing a guest out after thou hast accepted him is impolite, Lord Dracula. So that the students may be safe, We shall prohibit you from drinking their blood. If the school is in a state of war, either within the school, or outside of the school, thou shalt have free reign to eliminate Our enemies, as thou shalt see fit. Dost thou accept what We have proposed?)

"Accipio." (I accept.)

Dracula and Harry turned away. "So began an odd friendship between me and the Founders of Hogwarts, Salazar Slytherin excepted. However, there arose a slight … complication …"

"What was it, Abba? Was it the return of Slytherin?"

"No, Harry, it was not. It was Godric's daughter Godiva. I was polite around the females, you see, for the sake of my friendship with the Founders. I would not feed from any student, of course, and Lady Helga was more than helpful in having some blood on hand …"

He noted Harry's glance of curiosity. "What? You think I drank from her?"

"The thought did cross my mind; it is possible to feed from someone without killing them or turning them, right?"

"Yes, it is possible, but a vampire has to pay attention when he feeds from a human. Drain too much blood, and the human dies. As for turning a human, that requires draining him to the point of death, then the vampire will give of his own blood. The poison in the vampire blood takes care of the rest. It is a requirement for us vampires that the Sire stays with his child – for lack of a better term – to help him adjust. A new vampire without guidance is a danger to both humans and vampires alike."

"So, what happened with Godiva?"

"I fell in love with her. Godric was supportive of the relationship, as long as I treated her aright, and whatever happened, he did not want me to turn her. I agreed with his condition, and I was grateful to Lady Helga for providing blood for me, though I did not drink from her either. I married Godiva, and by the wedding night, that's where everything took a wrong turn."

"How so?"

"Mortals can mate with other mortals without any problems in the process, Harry. If a vampire male mates with a mortal female, on the other hand, and the female becomes pregnant, the baby may prove to be a danger to her existence. We rescued the son in time, but she died."

Godric looked at Dracula with tears flowing out of his eyes. "Solam filiam meam perdidi, et feminam tuam perdidisti. Propter hoc te odiam? Non, amice mi, te non odio, quia mortem suam culpa tua non erat. Filius tuus adoptabo, et filius meus erit. Quid dices?" (I have lost my only daughter, and thou hast lost thy wife. Shall I hate thee because of that? No, my friend, I do not hate thee, for her death was not thy fault. I will adopt your son, and he will be my son. What do you say?)

"Non, Domine Godric. Filius noster sit." (No, Lord Godric. Let him be our son.)

**~END OF MINSCAPE~**

Dracula turned to look at Harry. "This son grew up to be your ancestor through Godric's line and mine, Harry. In a sense of speaking, you are already my son. I knew that the blood would call out to me through the ages, but never has the call been so strong as now. Almost 2,000 years have I waited, searching for someone worthy of all my power.

Yes, Harry – I can read your mind. I know everything there is to know about you. I know how you fear there may be traitors in the midst of your circle. I know how there is one female whom you love, and a gluttonous, Troll-Brained, backstabbing, traitor who wants her for himself. However, he has forgotten one matter: you're Harry Potter, descended son of Dracula, the new Aleph of vampires ..."

"Don't you mean Alpha?"

"Aleph, as in the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet. Dracula was not my original name, after all ..."

Harry looked into his Abba's eyes and saw a man throw 30 pieces of silver onto the ground, then try to hang himself, but somebody else cut him down …

"You were Judas Iscariot."

"Yes, Harry. Together, my son, We can bring the world to its knees, and as it begs Us to save them, We can look down from our lofty height and say … NO!"

"So, where do we start?"

Dracula bit his neck and drank. When he sensed Harry's body near death, he cut his wrist and said, "Now, drink up, my son."

The Wizarding World wouldn't even know what in the Underworld had hit it when the both of them had finished their mission of chaos, he thought with a cold laugh …

**Author's Note: Another fun start. Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**

**P.S.,**

**I don't really know that much Aramaic, and only a little Hebrew, so this is why I decided to do the language like I did. The only word I left untranslated was Abba, which means Father. If you want some idea of what the Aramaic sounds like, check out Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" for the scene of Jesus's trial up to Judas throwing away the 30 pieces of silver. The idea of Judas Iscariot becoming Dracula came from Dracula 2000. The ideas about vampires and their abilities come from the TV series "Moonlight": another great series. The rest of the story comes from my mad imagination. I hope you enjoyed this dish, and I'm sure there will be plenty more to come!**


	6. Hogwarts Olympic Trio

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes I choose to use are the property of their respective creators.**

**I found another challenge in DZ2's forums, and this one looks like a rich possibility: "The Olympic Trio." Of course, naturally, this one is going to be Harry/Hermione, and for once, Ron is on Harry's side in this one. Yes, I can write a story that treats Ron well. You doubt me?**

**Chapter 6**

**Hogwarts Olympic Trio  
**

"The Champion for Hogwarts will be … Cedric Diggory!"

The Hufflepuffs cheered, for it was a rare event that one of their own got a turn in the Hogwarts spotlight. One of them, Percy Jackson, gave Cedric a high five as the latter walked towards the back.

Harry breathed a sigh of relief. "At last," he thought, "I will have a normal year at Hogwarts."

"Excellent!" said Dumbledore. "Now that we have our three Champions …"

The flames in the Goblet of Fire turned pink and a fourth piece of parchment shot out of it. Harry's eyes widened. "Please don't say my name, please don't say my name …"

Dumbledore caught the parchment. "What in the world? This can't be … Harry Potter?"

"D'OH!" Harry's head fell to the table with a THUNK!

"Harry Potter?"

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

"Harry, mate, what do you think you're doing?" said Ron.

"I'm trying to knock myself out so I don't have to face this, Ron. What else does it look like?"

"Giving yourself a concussion is not going to help, Harry," said Hermione from his other side.

"I beg to differ, Hermione. Maybe we're in a nightmare at the present time – OUCH!"

Hermione's glare and her smile made for a strange mixture. "Harry James Potter –"

"It's a bad sign when a female uses your full name, mate," said Ron.

"–My suggestion is that you go up there right now … Dumbledore looks angry …"

"But, Hermione –"

"HARRY POTTER!"

Harry glowered at the old man as he tried to keep his cool. "You have reached the voicemail of one Harry Potter. I must be indisposed at the present moment, but please leave a message. I will get back to you if I feel it is worth the trouble of giving a rat's ass."

"Mr. Potter, I must insist you come forward and join the Champions in the back."

"Harry, mate, calm down … if your temper blows, you could blow Hogwarts seven ways to Tartarus …"

Harry sighed as he felt Ron's hands soothing his back. "Tartarus take this gods-forsaken school, Ron. Why must I face death every year without the slightest thank you in return?"

"I don't know," said Hermione, "but Ron's right, Harry. You need to calm down."

"Stop the presses, Hermione. What did you just say?"

"You need to calm down?"

"No, whatever you said before that."

"Ron's right?"

"Yeah … I never thought anybody would say those words together in the same sentence …"

Ron rolled his eyes at this as he cracked a smile at his two best friends.

"Oh, Ron … yeah, that's the spot … I may not be faygeles, but your hands are magic …"

"I'm not faygeles either, mate. I'm just helping my best friend get the stress out of his system in a constructive fashion."

"Well, it's working, mate … oh, that feels good. I have to wonder, Hermione … with hands like these, why doesn't Ron have a girlfriend yet?"

"My guess is that he hasn't yet found someone who can balance him out, Harry. Are you feeling better?"

"Yes, I am … thank you for asking."

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Are you coming, Mr. Potter?"

"Yeah, I'm coming … you Manipulative Old Goat," he said under his breath.

"We'll be right behind you if you need backup," said Ron.

"Thanks, mate."

A thunderclap rent the air as he walked forward. Nobody said anything negative, too fearful to draw his anger …

**~HOGWARTS OLYMPIC TRIO~**

"Je dois protester, Albus! C'est un outrage!" (I must protest, Albus! It's an outrage!) said Olympe Maxine, Headmistress of Beauxbatons.

"Madame, j'ai un mal à la tête!" (Madame, I have a headache!) said Dumbledore, as he rushed forward and grabbed Harry. "HARRY! DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME INTO THE GOBLET OF FIRE?"

"Sir, no, sir!"

"You didn't ask an older student to do so for you?"

"Again, no, sir!"

"LAY YOUR HANDS OFF OF HARRY IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE, OLD COOT!"

Hermione came into the room, her eyes glowing a fierce black with red pupils, like those of a vampire. Ron came in behind her.

"Miss Granger, Mr. Weasley … what are you two doing here?"

"I said … HANDS OFF! If you think you can manhandle him again, Dumbledore, you have another thing coming!"

Dumbledore released Harry, for Hermione's tone left no room for argument.

Behind his stoic countenance, Professor Snape looked at Hermione in wonder. "All this time," he thought, "and she was here, right under My nose?"

"So, Harry, how do you think your name ended up in the Goblet of Fire?"

Professor Moody came into the chamber, his wooden peg leg clanking along the stone floor. "It seems that somebody put a powerful Confundus charm on the Goblet. This would be beyond the skills of any fourth year, even someone like Mr. Potter … no offence."

"No offence taken, Professor Moody. Somebody put my name in there without my knowledge and without my permission. Should I ever find out who did so, he will be in for a world of pain … and that's a promise! Is that all?"

"I'm afraid not, Mr. Potter. Even though you did not put your name in, nor asked an older student to do so for you, the Goblet spit out your name. According to the rules and regulations of the Triwizard Tournament, you are now under a binding magical contract that will take your magic should you refuse."

Harry buried his head in his hands. "Oy, gevalt … Why me?"

Ron and Hermione looked at their friend in worry. "Why him, indeed?" they thought.

**~HOGWARTS OLYMPIC TRIO~**

Professor Snape went down into his office within the dungeons and withdrew a galleon from his pocket. Tossing it into the air, he said, "Iris, accept My offering. Place My call to the throne room of Olympus."

He saw before Him Zeus and Poseidon. "Why, if it isn't Our elder brother Himself," said Zeus. "How fare the mortals down on Earth?"

"There is some troubling news from England, Milord Zeus," said Hades as He shed His mortal disguise for the moment. "There is a Triwizard Tournament this year at Hogwarts … and somehow … Harry's name came out of the Goblet of Fire as a contestant."

"He did not put his name in the Goblet, did he?"

"Nay, Milord, he did not … nor did he ask an older student to put it in the Goblet."

"Is he feeling okay?"

"It took the support of Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger to calm him down … and, unless My eyes have deceived Me tonight, it looks like Hermione is My daughter. Her aura came out full blast trying to protect him. Gods, it made Me shiver to see it … and mortals say I'm the scary one!"

"So, what are You suggesting We do?" said Poseidon.

"I am suggesting that We meet the three of them tomorrow morning … at the Black Lake."

Zeus and Poseidon looked at each other, and then back at Hades. "Fair enough," they said. "Tomorrow morning it is."

**~HOGWARTS OLYMPIC TRIO~**

The next morning, Harry, Ron, and Hermione came out of the castle and walked towards the Black Lake.

"It's bizarre, isn't it?" said Ron. "Just this morning, I heard a mysterious voice calling out to me. It turns out the two of you have heard it as well … weird … oh, good morning, Professor Snape."

"Good morning, Mr. Weasley … Miss Granger … Mr. Potter … did you have a good night's rest?"

Harry rubbed some of the sleepiness out of his eyes. "No, Professor … you would think it would be easy to go to sleep after such a rough night, but no. If you will indulge my curiosity, sir, what would you be doing out here?"

"We have an appointment to keep here … Myself and you three."

"An appointment? With whom?" the trio said.

A giant of a man came out of the Black Lake, his eyes sea blue and grasping a trident. He shrunk himself down to mortal size and stood next to Professor Snape.

He smiled at the trio. "Why, Harry … the last time I saw you was when you were crossing from that Hut on the Rock with Hagrid a few years ago … boy, was Vernon scared of that storm, or what?"

"I think he was more afraid of Hagrid than of the storm, sir."

"Now, I'm starting to wonder why I didn't drown them when they were coming back without you? Oh, yes, your Father told Me that He had some better revenge in store for them."

"My Father, sir? With all due respect, my Father is …"

"… NOT dead, thank you very much, Harry," said a new voice. A lightning flash and a thunderclap later, the Hogwarts Trio found themselves prostrate on the ground. They looked up, and they saw a tall man with blond hair and sky-blue eyes that sparked lightning. Where Professor Snape was standing was a pale man with black hair – sans the grease – and black eyes that shone a fiery red.

Harry shivered; how could he not have seen it before? There was a reason those eyes reminded him of places nobody in their right mind wanted to go. He thought back to the mythology books he had read in his elementary school days, and gulped. Reading about these Three was one matter, while meeting Them face to face was another.

"Forgive me, my Lords, if I make a mistake … but You are the Big Three, aren't You? Lord Zeus, Ruler of the Sky …"

Zeus nodded with a smile.

"Lord Poseidon, Ruler of the Seas …" said Ron.

Poseidon nodded, also smiling.

"And Lord Hades, Ruler of the Underworld …" said Hermione.

Hades nodded. "Harry, you look a bit pale. Are you allright?"

"I don't think so …"

"Harry? Come on, mate, breathe …" said Ron.

Harry tried to slow down his breathing from his present hyperventilation, but fainted instead …

**~HOGWARTS OLYMPIC TRIO~**

"Harry? Harry? Here, eat this …"

There was a delicious taste of pumpkin pie that crossed his taste buds as he opened his eyes. "Hermione? Oy … I had the weirdest dream …"

"As weird as it may sound, mate, it isn't a dream," said Ron. "You fainted in front of the Big Three, no less."

"It wouldn't be the first time it's happened when We've met a mortal … even if the mortal is one of Our kids," said Poseidon.

"Wait a minute, Lord Poseidon," said Harry. "I am a son of the Big Three?"

"Of one of Us, yes, Harry … but more than that … each one of you is a child of each one of Us. Any guesses which is which?"

Harry thought for a few moments. "I think Ron's Father would be the easiest to guess. He's the one who soothes my anger and calms me down, much like water is a therapeutic influence, which would make him a son of Lord Poseidon."

"Correct, nephew," said Poseidon. "Please continue."

"Hermione … she's brilliant, yet scary. The way her eyes glowed last night when she confronted Professor Dumbledore ..." he gulped. "She's Your daughter … Lord Hades."

Hades nodded.

"By process of elimination, that would mean I'm a son of Zeus."

Zeus smiled in approval as Hades rolled his eyes. "Great … as if Harry Potter needed an excuse for a bigger ego, he now has it. Excuse Us a moment while We talk."

"Go ahead, Uncle."

Hades walked out onto the Lake, freezing it as His footsteps fell. "Αδελφοι, τι δοκειτε?" (Brothers, what do you think?)

"Χαρι και Ηρμιονη ζευγαρι καλον εισιν," (Harry and Hermione are a beautiful couple), said Zeus.

Hades's eyes widened. "Χαρι Σου και Ηρμιονη Μου? Οπουδιποτε αγη, ο κινδυνος ακολουθει!" (Your Harry and My Hermione? Wherever he goes, trouble follows!)

"Τον κινδυνον ον φοβεις προγευμα αυτου εστιν!" (The trouble you fear is his breakfast!)

Hades let out a growl. "Ουδεν φοβω – ΟΥΔΕΝ!" (I fear nothing – NOTHING!)

"Ειρηνη, αδελφοι, Υμιν παρακαλω. Ου αξιοι εισιν?" (Peace, brothers, I beg you. They are worthy, are they not?) said Poseidon. "Πατερα Ουρανον και Μητερα Γην μνημονευωμεθα ..." (Let Us remember Father Ouranos and Mother Earth …)

"Τι αυτη εστιν – η θηκη ξιφει αυτου?" (What is she – the sheath to his sword?)

"Σιγη, Αιδης! Ει εν ερωτι πιπτουσι, μετα βιου αυτου αυτην φυλαξει," (Silence, Hades! If they fall in love, he will guard her with his life) said Zeus.

Hades calmed down. "Συνιημι, αλλ' ει αυτη απ΄ αυτου νοσει, η οργη Μου αυτον ευρησει! " (I understand, but if she suffers because of him, My anger will find him!)

"Δικαιον εστιν," (It is fair) said Zeus.

"Αξιοι της ευλογιας Ημων εισιν," (They are worthy of Our blessing) said Poseidon. "Εν συνφωνια εσμεν?" (Are We in agreement?)

Zeus and Hades nodded, and the Three came back to the Hogwarts trio.

"Harry … Ron … Hermione … We would like to pronounce a blessing over you … join hands with Us ..."

The six joined hands together, the three demigods trembling in excitement as they felt their Fathers' power flow, as the Big Three, now glowing with the Divine Majesty of Their realms, in one voice, said:

"Οι εστε μνημονουετε. Οι κληρονομοι εστε, και υμιν Ολυμπιον νεον εν Γην ποιειν εξελεξαμεθα. H Φονη εισοδου υμις τους εχθρους φοβηται. Νη Κρατον Ολυμπου οριζομεν: νυν και παντοτε, ετσι εστω!" (Remember who you are. You are Our heirs, and We have chosen you to create a new Olympus on Earth. May the sound of your approach scare your enemies before you. By the Might of Olympus, We decree: Now and forever, so let it be!)

**Author's Note: Wow, that is good stew! I do admit, it is somewhat difficult to type out the Greek, but this is a language I have studied, and I do enjoy writing it – though trying to limit yourself to Classical and Koine Greek does make this a bit of a challenge – but as an intellectual, my brain thrives on a challenge! Read and review – no flames, please! Thank you! More to come!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**

**P.S.,**

**Even if I was to turn this into a story (and I do admit, it's mighty tempting), I wouldn't be surprised if some cross pollination occurs with "Half Blood Harry Potter." **


	7. Revenge is so Hilarious

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Here is a one-shot dish of literary stew inspired by a certain plot point of George R.R. Martin's awesome series, Game of Thrones. I won't say which plot point in particular, lest I spoil the fun [wink, wink]. LOL!**

**Chapter 7**

**Revenge is So Hilarious**

Harry could sense something amiss in the air when he saw Hermione's eyes burning in his direction when he won the Felix Felicis from Professor Slughorn at the end of their first sixth-year Potions class.

He ran after her. "Hermione, wait!"

She spun around. "I suppose congratulations are in order, Harry. Congratulations."

"You don't sound like it."

"Why should I sound sincere about this, when you have used the notes of a former student to do better in Potions? How can this be any better than cheating?"

"These notes are additions that the author didn't think of when he wrote the book, Hermione. They add to the pool of knowledge. Besides, isn't it common for people to write in the margins of their books?"

She nodded. "Up to a certain point, yes, I guess they do. Even I have been guilty of doing the same – if the margins are wide enough. Whoever this student was, he or she was brilliant."

"Haven't you been saying that I should be studying to do better in my classes, Hermione? Think about it this way – who better to learn from than a master of his craft?"

She smiled at him. "What can I say? You have gained my interest."

"Great! Uh, by the way, you were saying that Amortentia smells different to each person?"

She nodded. "What did you smell, Harry?"

"I smelled pumpkin pie, strawberries, and …"

"Harry, are you blushing? Come on, what else did you smell?"

"No! Okay, yes, I am, I guess … I smelled … vanilla shampoo."

She matched him blush for blush, as she remembered there was one female Gryffindor who used vanilla shampoo: she did.

"I remember smelling all of this at the Burrow, which is funny. I don't remember them serving us pumpkin pie or strawberries."

"Son of a banshee, Harry! I remember smelling the same scents at the Burrow. Okay, not the scents of pumpkin pie, strawberries, and vanilla shampoo …"

"…But the scents of mown grass, parchment, and spearmint toothpaste."

"You remembered."

"Of course I did; why wouldn't I remember something about you?"

"There was one other scent, but I was unwilling to mention it in class."

"What was it?"

She lowered her eyes, shining with a mischievous light, and bit her bottom lip. "Oh, I'm not telling you that, Harry … not yet …"

"You do know you are adorable when you bite your bottom lip?"

"You think so?"

"I know so. Do you have any idea what looking at that for six years makes me want to do?"

"It may be that I have some idea, but enlighten me all the same."

"It makes me want to distract you … in whatever way possible."

"So, what ways would you use to distract me? Would you use, say – kissing?"

"Quite the flirtatious one, aren't we, Hermione? The short answer is no." He saw her frown. "The longer answer is: no, not at this stage. I would be saving that for later."

"That's fair. So, besides kissing and anything beyond, what other ways would you use to distract me?"

He stepped back a few paces and fired off a Tickling Jinx, which hit her shield and bounced away.

"That's your answer – a tickling war? How immature of you, Harry …"

"It brings a smile to your face and a light to your eyes, doesn't it?"

A light shone in her eyes, but it was the light of someone ready for battle. _Oh, shoot_, he thought. _I'm in trouble_.

"I won't deny that," she said, "but it's been a while since anyone has challenged me."

"So, do you accept my challenge?"

"Bring it on, Harry!"

Thus a tickling war started between the two of them in the corridor. Of course, all the noise and laughter would draw attention, and – no surprise – it drew the attention of the cantankerous caretaker, Argus Filch and his cat Mrs. Norris.

"What is going on here?"

The both of them hit him with a Tickling Jinx – then they knocked him out. For good measure, they soaked Mrs. Norris and ran, laughing all the way back to Gryffindor.

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

After their first Quidditch match of the season – which they won because Ron, in a surprise move, kept the Quaffle from going into the Gryffindor goal posts – Harry and Hermione were at the side of the heated celebration, watching him soak up the adulation of the adoring crowd.

"Harry, you know I could report you for putting Felix Felicis into Ron's cup, right?"

He brought out the small vial. "I know … but how come the vial is full?"

She swatted him. "Prat … you made it seem like you added it to his cup."

He winked at her. "I will add that Luna helped."

"You're a reckless genius when you want to be, you know that?"

"Oh, look, Hermione; Ron is even luckier than we thought …"

They saw Lavender climb onto the table next to Ron and, to more cheers from the crowd, the couple started to snog.

"Time for Operation: Waterworks."

"Operation: Waterworks?"

He saw her eyes water with tears, and his eyes wanted to water in sympathy for her plight as he watched her run away to a corridor.

_The mind of a woman_, he thought, _is something I cannot comprehend. How do females pull off that trick?_

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

He found her in a corridor crying her eyes out.

"Hermione?"

She looked up. "Oh … hi, Harry. Crookshanks came down with me, to keep me company."

"Hey, Crookshanks, you giant furball."

"Meow." He hopped onto Harry's lap, and his purr started to run as Harry petted him.

"Is this what it feels like, Harry – for someone to break your heart?"

"Since when have you been interested in that Troll-Brained Comedy Relief for him to break your heart?"

"Well … there was fourth year … when I was hoping you would ask me out … but, by the time either one of you thought of asking me, it was too late."

"This was because Cho was my love interest during my fourth year. How was I to know she was dating Cedric at the time?"

"Well, you could have asked her, Harry ..."

Harry remembered his statement to Ron: "I think I would much rather face the dragon again."

"Or you could have paid attention to any social cues between the two ..."

"Hermione … I don't know if you've noticed it or not, but … I'm a clueless male!"

"So? You could have asked me for my input. Even so, last year was proof enough that the both of you would not have worked."

Crookshanks started to growl.

"Oh, dear me, sorry, Harry!" said Lavender. "We didn't know you and Hermione were here ..."

"It's okay, Lavender, no harm done, though it does seem to me that you and Won Won will have to find somewhere else ..."

"Yeah, Harry … sorry if we interrupted anything ..."

"Ron?"

"Yeah, Harry?"

"I have one word of advice: Run!"

A yowling Crookshanks sprang into action and bolted after Ron's retreating form …

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

Within the Hogwarts library one day, Harry and Hermione were talking about the upcoming party with Professor Slughorn.

"So, Harry, who are you planning to take to Slughorn's party?"

"I was hoping I could take you. You know, we could go as friends, if nothing more."

She smacked her forehead. "Why didn't I think of that?"

"Whoa, stop the presses. You didn't think of this? Somebody call the Devil and ask how he's enjoying his Christmas."

She gave him a playful swat. "Stop it, you! Don't tell me you're jealous all of a sudden!"

He snorted. "You think I'm jealous? Who would have to fear my jealousy?"

"You won't like the person I invited."

"Whom did you invite, Hermione?"

"Cormac McLaggen."

She could feel the heat of his green eyes glowing as his anger flared out, though not at her. "You invited McLaggen, that horny, arrogant blowhard who thinks the sun shines out of his own tuchas?"

"You're not angry at me, are you, Harry?"

"No, I'm not; the news surprised me a bit, but I'm not angry at you. If he tries anything improper towards you, though, I will make him suffer – and that's a promise!"

"I wouldn't want it any other way, Harry. By the way, we will have to be careful whom you take to the party. Do you see that girl over there, some distance behind me in the corner?"

Harry nodded.

"That's Romilda Vane, and I overheard that she might try to smuggle you a Love Potion."

"Does she think I would be so easy to deceive, Hermione?"

"Sad to say, God gave males a brain and a penis, but enough blood to fill one at a time. Considering a Love Potion's effects on the male arousal mechanism, a strong enough Love Potion would deaden your higher thought processes long enough for a female to lead you into her bed."

Harry could hear Yello's "Oh Yeah" playing in his mind.

"Harry, could you focus here?" Record scratch. "She's interested in you because she thinks you're the Chosen One!"

"Why should I care what she thinks? I am more than that bloody title!"

"I know you hate that title, Harry, but how can I help you unless you pay attention to what I say?" She cleared her throat. "Harry, my eyes are up here."

Blushing, he lifted his gaze to her face as she rolled her eyes. _Males_, she thought …

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

Harry found Hermione at the party. "So, Hermione – this is where you've been hanging around all this time?"

"It's that jerk McLaggen. He has more arms than a Snarfflump plant."

"More arms than a what? A Snuffleupagus?"

"Hey, guys," said Neville, sticking his head through the curtain. "Would you like some dragon tartar?"

"Dragon what?" they said.

"It's some kind of dish made from dragon, I think. They do tend to give a person bad breath."

Hermione ate a couple. "They might help to repel McLaggen."

"Would you like me to deliver a message for you, Hermione?"

She smiled. "Go ahead, Harry. Oh, here he comes – I'll see you later."

Cormac McLaggen was the next to enter the enclosure. "Say, have either of you seen Granger around here?"

"I think … she went to powder her nose, McLaggen … or whatever it is these females do at a high-class event like this one, am I right, or am I right?"

Cormac snorted as he ate from the dish Neville held out for him. "You're so right on the money, Potter. Your friend is a slippery minx … not to mention she likes working her mouth too ..."

Harry steepled his fingers. "Oh, is that so? Please … tell us more ..."

"Oh, I would be glad to tell you … say, what are these I'm eating?"

"Dragon testicles."

Either it was the thought of eating male dragon reproductive parts that churned Cormac's stomach, or it was the excessive alcohol in his digestive system that did so, but the result was the same: he puked his stomach contents … onto the shoes of Professor Snape.

"That will be a month's detention with me, McLaggen … where do you think you're going, Potter?"

"He's had himself too much to drink tonight, Professor."

"Ah, I see. The Headmaster asked me to wish you a happy holidays on his behalf."

"Thank you, and may I wish the same to the both of you?"

Professor Snape gave him a curt nod and left.

A few minutes later, Harry sent Cormac McLaggen crashing down the stairs. The painful fall didn't kill the arrogant jagoff, but he wouldn't exit the Hospital Wing until after the New Year.

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

One night, Harry came into the dorm to see Ron with a dreamy look on his face. "It's a beautiful night, right, Harry? The moon is shining bright ..."

"Yeah, Ron, it's gorgeous." He saw an opened box of chocolates on his bed. "Having yourself a little late night snack?"

"Okay, I might have had myself a fair few of those chocolates."

"An eating machine like you ate a fair few? It seems to me that you had 20 chocolates."

"Does she know I exist?"

"I would hope so, since you two have been snogging for the past few months."

"How can that be, since I haven't met her yet?"

"Ron, are we on the same page here?"

"What girl did you think I was speaking about?"

"Lavender … she's had her tongue down your throat far enough to give you an amateur tonsil exam. Did you think I was speaking of another?"

"I thought you were speaking of Romilda Vane. Ah, Romilda …"

Harry examined the opened box of chocolates. With it was a card that read, "Merry Christmas Harry. Love, Romilda." Above it was a picture of her blowing kisses to him with a bunch of hearts all around. _Oh, this is hilarious_, he thought. _She intended these Love Potion chocolates for me, but the biggest glutton in the boys' dorm ate them instead. I wish I could say that I would hate humiliating him like this, but it could be fun to watch …_

"Come on, Ron. I'm going to introduce you to Romilda ..."

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

They came down the stairs to find Hermione in the common room.

"Hey, Hermione. Can you find Romilda for us?"

"What's going on?"

"Do you remember when you told me that she might try sending me some Love Potion?"

"Of course I remember."

"She sent me some, in a box of chocolates. Guess who ate the chocolates?"

She noted Ron's glassy stare and had to stifle a giggle.

"I know … as funny as this situation is, it is going to become a laugh riot. Could you go and bring her here?"

"Sure … anything to help out a helpless romantic like Won Won …"

As she walked up the stairs, Harry patted Ron on the back. "Ron, I'm going to run and get you a drink. Good luck, mate."

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

Searching in his dorm, it did not take Harry a long time to find the stock of Love Potion Antidote he had cooked up for him and Hermione. She had hugged him for all he was worth when they had taken said antidote, promising that there was more to come when they had completed their revenge on their wannabe lovers.

Now he had to wait for the right moment for his entrance. He could hear the exchange from the common room.

Hermione said, "So, Romilda … have you met Ron yet?"

Ron said, "Romilda, at last we meet, my love, my darling!"

_This was not going according to my plan_, thought Romilda. _I wanted Harry, not his dumbass sidekick!_

Ron tried to kiss her and she recoiled.

SMACK!

"Ow! Romilda, I thought you loved me!"

"Keep away from me, you freak!" She ran back up the stairs, while Hermione spun him upside down.

"Hermione, put me down! ROMILDA! HEY, ROMILDA!"

"Keep yelling, Stanley Kowalski; it won't do you any good."

"What is going on here?" said Lavender, coming down the stairs. "What's happened to my Won Won?"

Harry entered the common room, trying to suppress his amusement from breaking out into a laugh at Ron's expense. "Hermione, can you put him back down?"

"What's going on with Won Won? Why was he calling out another girl's name?"

"Just wait a moment, Lavender, while we fix him up. Here, Ron, drink this."

"What is it?"

"I think Romilda fled from you because of bad breath, so I got you some breath freshener. I hope it helps, Romeo."

"Well, there's no time like the present, so, bottoms up!" He drank from the flask and his brain cleared. "What happened?"

SMACK! "Won Won, we are through! I can't believe you would try to cheat on me!" She ran up the stairs in tears.

"Wait a minute … Harry, would I ever cheat on Lavender?"

"I doubt it, Ron, but under the influence of Love Potion, anything could have happened."

"Love Potion? How did I drink that?"

"Remember those chocolates you ate? Romilda meant for me to have them, but you ate them instead."

"Hermione, did I cheat on Lavender?"

"You tried to kiss Romilda … without any success, I might add … but even so, to a female, trying to kiss another looks just as bad as kissing another. I'm sorry."

Ron shrugged. "Meh … you live and you learn."

Harry patted him on the back. "Tough luck, mate. We're here for you."

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

It was Christmas Eve at the Burrow, and everyone else was asleep, except for Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron.

Ginny carried a plate of cookies for Harry.

"Hey, you – why don't you have yourself a nice Christmas treat?"

"Thanks for the offer, Ginny, but I'm not hungry. Hey, Ron – you want some cookies?"

Ginny's eyes widened as she watched Ron eat the cookies she meant for Harry.

"Hey, Ginny, let's not leave you out," said Hermione. "Here are some cookies for you. I'm not too hungry either."

"Thank you, Hermione." She accepted them from Hermione and started to eat. If Ron was aware, he didn't give any signal as he was busy eating his cookies.

"Okay, Hermione, let's get out of here before this turns into something I don't want to watch."

"Sure thing, Harry."

As they exited the Burrow, he showed her a wedding ring. "What do you say to eloping to marry tonight?"

She gave him a fierce kiss. "Yes, Harry James Potter, I think it's a wonderful idea!"

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

Christmas morning came, and Ron sighed in pleasure. Now he could say that he knew why giggity could feel so amazing. For his first time of giggity – with Lavender, he made it to boob play, but no further – it was marvelous beyond description. He hoped to have many more such experiences.

He opened his eyes … and froze. The female next to him had the wrong shade of hair.

She opened up her eyes, which widened in shock. "Ron?"

"Ginny?"

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

Harry woke up next to Hermione. "Good morning, milady."

"Did you have a good sleep, milord?"

"It was excellent, thank you. I expect we shall be hearing a Banshee Scream in Three … Two … One …"

Right on cue, the scream of Molly Weasley sounded all throughout the British Isles, even waking Seamus out in Ireland …

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THE TWO OF YOU – SLEEPING WITH EACH OTHER?! YOU'RE BROTHER AND SISTER, FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!"

"I wanted to get pregnant with Harry's baby, Mum, so we could gain the Potter fortune!"

"I wanted to get Hermione pregnant, Mum, so she could learn her place! Wait a minute, Ginny – you said you wanted to get pregnant?" She nodded. "Uh-oh; so that means …" She nodded again. "Bloody fucking hell!"

"RONALD WEASLEY, YOU WILL WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!"

"Why should I care about my language?"

"I think I have heard enough," said Arthur Weasley in the doorway. "For the humiliation of the Weasley Family through the accursed act of incest, I, Lord Arthur Weasley, toss Ronald and Ginny out of the Family – so mote it be!"

"Daddy, no!"

"I'm not your Father anymore … I will allow you as much time as you need to pack your belongings, but I want you out!"

**~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~**

"So, my dearest Hermione, you did say there was another scent you smelled in the Love Potion. What was it, if I may be so curious?"

"It was you."

"Is that so?"

"Harry – do my senses deceive me, or are you ready to go at me again?"

"I would be ready to go at you as many times as necessary. After all, you know how your brain turns me on …"

She shivered in pleasure. "Oh, Harry …"

Who knew revenge could be so hilarious?

**Author's Note: Another funny dish of stew done! Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	8. Hereweald Stearc: Forman His Naman

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Any other universes I choose to use are the property of their respective creators.**

**Alas, it is a tragic loss to our community – the woman known to us Fanfic writers as broomstick flyer passed away on March 22, 2015. We will all miss her. In response to this (I didn't hear about this until the night of March 26th), I have been considering some kind of a tribute … perhaps a one-shot, or even a fanfic, in her memory. Inspired by one of her incomplete fanfics ("Lyonesse") with a Royal Harry theme – a favorite theme of mine – as well as the tragic Game of Thrones episode "The Rains of Castamere," my Madhouse Kitchen has been stewing an idea for such a fanfic … and here it is … a Game of Thrones/Harry Potter crossover. Of course, Game of Thrones belongs to Ser George R.R. Martin, and the TV show of the same belongs to HBO.**

**Now, the Game of Thrones section begins off a simple question: What if the Seven decided to intervene, saying the injustice had gone long enough? From that point on, as far as GoT is concerned for this, it's an AU. I make no money off of this; it is for the amusement of myself and my fans.**

**Chapter 8**

**Hereweald Stearc: Forman His Naman**

Arya looked out towards the Twins and Lord Frey's castle.

"We're so close – I can feel it."

Sandor Clegane nodded. "Aye; we have to cross the bridge to Lord Frey's castle and I can hand you over to your Family. As odd as it may seem for me to say this, young Lady, I am going to miss traveling with you – you have the born heart of a killer." He heard a cold chuckle behind him. "What in the Seven Hells –?"

"You have spoken the truth, Sandor Clegane," said a pale man with black hair. His eyes shone with a dark flame. "Of course, witnessing the death of so many people dear to her have dulled any sense of mercy she might otherwise have towards her enemies, wouldn't you agree? So many people on My list to kill – whenever shall I find the time to kill them all?"

Clegane shivered, but Arya looked Him in the eyes. "How long have You been following us?"

"I have been following you for a long time, Arya. Each night that you have fallen asleep while whispering the names of the people who deserve your wrath, I have listened to you with greatest interest." He looked up. "I will eat My fill this night. You might want to stay back until the carnage is over."

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

The doors closed behind Edmure Tully and his bride Roslin. Catelyn Stark then heard the band play a chilling theme, and she recognized it at once. "_The Rains of Castamere_," she thought. "_Robb, we need to get out of here! It's a trap! Gods protect us!_"

"Well, Your Grace," said Lord Walder Frey, "I believe I have been remiss in my duties … I have accepted you into my hall, you have eaten of my food, but I forgot to give you and your Queen your gift …"

One of the Frey sons got up from his seat and stabbed Queen Talisa in her womb, but before Robb could move to kill him, a bolt of lightning killed the assassin.

"ENOUGH OF THIS MADNESS!" said the newcomer who had thrown the lightning bolt.

"Who do you think you are?! I am the Lord of the Twins!"

The newcomer's eyes sparked with lightning. "We are the Seven, and I don't think you are one to pull rank on Us, Lord Walder Frey!"

Catelyn's breath hitched; the Seven had heard her prayer!

"May I sit, Lady Stark?" said a woman next to her.

"Go ahead."

"Thank you, dearie, and fret not about your dear son. As for you, Lord Bolton," she said, her fierce gaze burning into him on Catelyn's other side, "you should make up your mind about whom you serve – it will determine whether you live or die!"

Roose Bolton gulped; bringing the Mother's wrath down on him would be a thought most unwise, like facing an angry mother bear.

Lord Frey did not tremble at the stunning revelation. "A man can do as he likes within his own castle, Milord, and His Grace broke an oath he made to me in Your light. Shall I not take vengeance for this?"

"His Grace, Robb Stark, has come under your roof and eaten your food, Lord Frey – and you plan to kill Him and His own, in clear violation of the rules of hospitality?!"

Robb rose to his feet. "Is this true, Lord Frey? You have the boldness to answer my apology with this backstabbing most foul? YOU'VE KILLED MY QUEEN AND MY CHILD!"

Lord Frey shot him an evil grin. "So, what is Your Grace going to do about it – kill me? Most of Your Grace's men are outside, so there are more of my men in here than those who belong to Your Grace."

A wintry chill blew through the room. "Is that so, Lord Frey?" said the pale member of the Seven with a chuckle. "I suggest you look again … but you aren't going to like it ..."

Lord Frey's smug face lost its color. "It can't be – you're dead!"

Behind the Stranger stood an army of dead soldiers. One of the soldiers looked at Robb and Catelyn, whose hearts skipped a beat.

"Father?"

"Ned?"

He smiled at them. "It gives me great pleasure to see you two again, even if it's for a moment."

"Your son has made himself a fine King in the North, Ned," said another beside him.

Robb bowed his head. "Your Grace ..."

"Ah, forget the titles, Your Grace; the dead don't care for them. I was King of the Seven Kingdoms when I was alive, but I no longer hold that title now that I'm dead. So, Lord Stranger, Lord Warrior, tell us: which bodies will feed the crows tonight?"

"Let's start with all the Freys within this castle, excepting Lord Frey. His Grace Lord Stark will take good care of him. After this, the Warrior and Smith will take you outside to protect His Grace's bannermen."

During the short fight within the chamber, the Maiden raised her bow and shot the musicians in the gallery above. Looking at Robb's upturned eyebrow, She said, "It wasn't a question of the music they played, Your Grace – they had crossbows."

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

The Smith used his hammer to break open the kennel where the Freys had placed Grey Wind, Robb Stark's direwolf. Nymeria came bounding along, as did the ghost of Lady.

The Warrior raised his sword. "FOR THE KING IN THE NORTH!"

"THE KING IN THE NORTH!" The direwolves howled along with the battle cry of the army as they charged.

It would be a terrible night for the Freys to remember … except there would be no Freys to remember this night, for Robb Stark had executed their Lord …

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

"Arya!"

"Mother!" She ran into her arms.

Robb smiled. "House Stark owes you a great debt, Ser Clegane, for your protection of my sister."

"I am no ser, Your Grace; I was Joffrey's bloody Hound until the Battle of the Blackwater, when I told him to go fuck himself."

This brought on a roar of laughter from everyone gathered.

"My Lords, here before you stands the sole person in living memory to insult Joffrey and live to tell the tale!"

"Hear, hear!"

"Well … there was that Imp … but I believe he was shrewder … in truth, he was not so crass in his language as I."

"Aye … perhaps that is so. How would you like to be a knight?"

Amazement shone on his face. "Your Grace?"

"Kneel, Sandor Clegane. This day I, King Robb Stark, the King in the North, charge you in the Name of the Father to be just, in the Name of the Warrior to be courageous, in the Name of the Smith to be strong, in the Name of the Mother to protect the innocent, in the Name of the Crone to be wise, in the Name of the Maiden to rescue those in distress, in the Name of the Stranger to bring death to the guilty: thus I knight you and dub you Ser Sandor Clegane, Knight and Hound of Winterfell. Arise, Ser." He hugged the new knight and patted him on the back. "Welcome to the Wolf Pack."

"Ser Clegane?"

"Yes, little Arya?"

"Now that you are a member of our pack, I have good news: your name is off my list."

"Your list? Oh ..." He remembered the words of that stranger they met; in truth, it was THE Stranger. "Seven hells … Your Grace, your sister is a scary one, she is. She frightens the living daylights out of me."

The Stranger said, "Oh, Arya? I have a present here for you." He threw Polliver down on the ground.

Arya saw her sword Needle and grabbed it from him. "Oh, dear me, Polliver, do you need my help? This is a fine blade you have here … maybe I'll pick my teeth with it …"

With that, she stabbed him in the throat.

Ser Clegane looked at Arya, then at his new lord. Much to a new bout of merry laughter, he said, "I rest my case."

~**HEREWEALD STEARC FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

King Jagoff – ahem – Joffrey woke up the next morning to find his mother and Uncle Jaime pinned to the wall. Over their corpses stood a banner, which read:

"**BEHOLD YOUR PARENTS – BASTARD KING!"**

As anyone caught in such a frightening situation would do, he screamed bloody murder.

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

"WHO DID THIS?! MY MOTHER, UNCLE JAIME, SER MERYN, SER BOROS, MY GRANDFATHER TYWIN, SER ILYN PAYNE – THEY ARE ALL DEAD!"

Varys shrugged his shoulders. "I know not, Your Grace, and everything has been going so well. My birds have heard no warning of this attack, but it is most troubling."

Tyrion nodded. "Lord Varys has hit the right word: troubling. Gods know who could be next."

In the air, they heard a chilling tune that any Lannister would recognize, but it had new words:

"So, who are you, the Lion said, that I must bow so low?  
Only a beast of a different pelt, it's all the truth I know;  
A pelt of cat or a pelt of dog,  
Our beasts, they still have teeth,  
You must be drunk, have a mind of fog,  
To think you could kill Me!  
And so He spoke, and so He spoke, that Lord of Casterly;  
And now His corpse hangs o'er His hall, for all the world to see;  
Yes, now His corpse hangs o'er His hall, for everyone to see!"

Joffrey's face paled. "Uncle, where's Sansa?"

SMACK!

"Does Your Grace think He shall hold her hostage for Your safety? I don't think so!"

"You struck Me! Uncle or no, I will have your head!"

SMACK!

"I regret that someone will have you next on the execution list, nephew, because I am going to miss having you as my personal punching bag." SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!

"Oh, Tyrion, that does look fun," said Sansa behind him. She kicked Joffrey in the crotch and he fell down from the pain.

"Don't stop on our account," said a familiar male voice.

Tyrion spun around and bowed. "Ah, if it isn't the King of the Direwolves himself. Welcome to King's Landing, Your Grace."

Sansa ran into Robb's arms while Joffrey struggled to his feet. "No, I am the king, not this traitor!" His voice was higher than normal.

Arya giggled. "You are the king? Please … it seems to me from your voice, King Jerk, that you lack the proper equipment, or your stones haven't dropped."

"Arya!" said her mother.

"That's the little bitch that beat me up on the kingsroad!" said Joffrey.

"Excuse me a moment, Lady Arya." He turned on his nephew. SMACK! "How many times –" SMACK! "– must I tell you – " SMACK! "– to be polite –" SMACK! "– in the presence of –" SMACK! "– a lady?" SMACK!

"Seven hells, if the Imp keeps this up, I won't have to kill Joffrey," said Robb.

"Should we let him beat Joffrey to death, Robb?"

Robb shrugged.

After Joffrey had gone unconscious, Tyrion turned to look at Arya, his eyes wide with wonder. "This is your sister, Sansa?"

Sansa nodded.

"Gods be good, she is nothing like you. Her mind is quick and sharp as that blade she holds at her hip." He smiled at her. "Lady Arya, I am your brother by law, Lord Tyrion Lannister, and I am glad to make your acquaintance. I think this will be the beginning of a fine friendship; what say you to that?"

"I would like that," she said with a smile.

Catelyn cleared her throat, and as he looked up at her, his smile dropped. "Oh, gods, this is awkward. Lady Stark."

"Lord Tyrion … it seems I owe you an apology. Though you are related to those incestuous siblings, the Kingslayer and the former Queen Regent, you share no part in their crimes. Do you think they wanted to frame you?"

Tyrion shrugged. "It is possible … my Family has tolerated me, but they have not loved me. The gods have judged me innocent of the attack on Bran – in fact, on my way back from the Wall, I stopped by Winterfell and suggested building him a harness so he could at least ride on a horse. As I said to His Grace in Winterfell, I have a tender spot in my heart for cripples, bastards and broken things. Did His Grace not tell you?"

Robb hung his head down. "I wanted it to be a surprise for you, Mum."

"If Your Grace had told Lady Stark about the favor I had done Bran, perhaps she would not have arrested me … but we all make mistakes."

Catelyn nodded. "Aye … it seems I misjudged you."

"I assure you, Lady Stark, many have done the same. If I had a gold dragon for every time someone has misjudged me, I would be richer than my late Father."

"Sansa, how has Tyrion treated you as his lady wife?"

"He has been wonderful to me, Mother. He refused a bedding ceremony on my wedding night – threatening Joffrey's manhood in the process –"

"How did he do that?" said Robb.

"Your Grace, I slammed a knife into the table and said he would be fucking his own bride with a wooden cock."

Everyone laughed at that. "Now, Sansa, continue."

"Later, when he noted how nervous I was about the marital act, he said he would not join me in bed until I wanted him to join me. I said, 'What if I never want you to join me'? He grinned, raised his wine goblet to me, and said ..."

"...And now my watch begins," he said with the same grin. "It will please you to know I kept my word."

"Now that you remain as the last of the Lannisters, Lord Tyrion, you will need to reproduce," said Robb. "There's no pressure on you, though. In light of your service to Winterfell, and your kind treatment of Sansa, I declare that you are safe. Besides, My Lord, I will need a clever man to be the Hand of the King, and I can think of nobody else more deserving."

Tyrion bowed. "Your Grace, I accept Your offer. What shall we do with Joffrey, Tommen and Myrcella?"

"Tommen and Myrcella are innocent of any crimes, but neither shall hold the Iron Throne, as they are both unworthy of it," said Robb.

Arya's eyes lit up with a dark chill as she raised her hand. "As for what to do with Joffrey, I have an idea."

"Let's hear it, Arya," said Tyrion. Arya leaned in and whispered it in his ear. "Is that so? Remind me never to make you angry."

"What is it?" said Robb. "Is it exile to the Wall?"

Tyrion snorted a laugh. "Exile to the Wall for Joffrey? No, Your Grace, it's something worse than that. Besides, Joffrey would not last one night on the Wall without either freezing or suffering a horrific death at the hands of the Night's Watch. As hilarious as witnessing that would be – and I would pay good money to see it – that wasn't Arya's idea."

"What is it?"

"A trial … by combat."

"If he wins," said Catelyn, "he could go free, just like you did, Lord Tyrion! Are we willing to risk that?"

"No, Lady Stark. My nephew shall sit on the Iron Throne no more. If he wins, we send him to the Wall to live out what few of his days remain to him – but I doubt he will win, not against our champion."

"Who is to be our champion?" said Robb. "Ser Clegane?"

"I would relish the opportunity to chop King Jagoff down to size, but I feel someone else would like this honor."

"I will," said Arya. "I owe it to him for calling me a cunt and a bitch."

Catelyn rolled her eyes. "Are you sure about this? It's dangerous, you know."

"Aye, Lady Stark," said Ser Clegane, "but this wolf pup eats Danger for breakfast and washes it down with a side of Death. Come along, wolf pup, and we'll get you some more training."

"If I may send a friend of mine with you, Ser Clegane, I'm sure the two of you will give her all the training she needs."

The Hound looked at Tyrion. "And who, pray tell, would that be, My Lord Hand?"

"Good morning, Tyrion! What did I miss?"

"Ser Bronn, meet Arya Stark. Arya Stark, this is my best friend, Ser Bronn."

Ser Bronn looked down. "Well, ain't you a short little thing –"

SMACK!

"OW! She packs a wallop, I'll grant her that much."

"Arya, whatever you do, please don't break him. In the meantime, Your Grace, let's toss Joffrey into the Red Keep to await trial."

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

Out in the land of Dorne, to the south of King's Landing, a message came by way of raven with a box. Prince Oberyn opened the box, and within was a giant severed head.

"Esta cabeza Me parece familiar," (This head looks familiar to Me), said Prince Doran, the Lord of Sunspear and Oberyn's older brother.

Prince Oberyn opened the note and read it to himself. "Esta es la cabeza de la Montaña," (This is the head of the Mountain), he said. "El Extranjero ha vengado Nuestra hermana para Nosostros." (The Stranger has avenged Our sister for Us.)

"¿Hay algo más en este mensaje?" (Is there anything else in that note?)

Prince Oberyn smirked. "Bueno, muchos Lannisteros han muertos … y un nuevo Rey ha venido al Trono de Fer: El Rey Robb Stark. ¿Iré pagar los respetos y la lealtad de Dorne a Su Merced?" (Well, many Lannisters have died … and a new King has come to the Iron Throne: King Robb Stark. Shall I go to pay Dorne's respects and fealty to His Grace?)

"Por supuesto, Mi hermano. Que los Siete bendigan tu viaje." (Of course, My brother. May the Seven bless your journey.)

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

"May the Father grant His Grace a sense of justice, and the Mother grant a merciful heart. May the Smith grant His Grace strength, and the Warrior grant courage. May the Crone grant His Grace wisdom, and the Maiden grant a heart to protect the innocent. Last but not least, may the Stranger grant His Grace a long life. All hail King Robb Stark, the First of his Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, and Protector of the Realm! Long live the King!"

"LONG LIVE THE KING!"

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

Out at Dragonstone, there came a knocking to the royal chambers.

"Enter," said Stannis Baratheon. "What news, Ser Davos?"

"A message all the way from King's Landing, Your Grace. Many of the Lannisters have died, and Joffrey has lost the Iron Throne to Robb Stark."

"Now would be a perfect time to strike if I had the ships."

"That will take some time to build up a second fleet, Your Grace, not to mention the manpower for that fleet – wait, what is that noise?"

One fierce burst of dragon's fire later from three dragons saw the last remnant of the Baratheon dynasty burn up in ashes.

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

Tyrion was preparing himself for bed when he heard, "Tyrion?"

"Yes, Sansa?"

"Now that my brother has the throne, and Joffrey is as good as dead after Arya finishes him, I was thinking … would you like to join me in my bed?"

"Are you sure? Just because we may sleep in the same bed doesn't mean we have to shag. We could cuddle, if you prefer. That's up to you."

"I'm sure."

Some hours later, Tyrion sprang out of bed and ran to his desk. "I have a brilliant idea for a song," he said, grabbing a quill, ink, and parchment. He wrote for a time. "Would you like to read it?"

She held her hands out for the parchment, and Tyrion handed it to her. She laughed as she read it and he grinned.

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

"All rise for His Grace, King Robb of House Stark, the First of his Name, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, King of the Andals and the First Men, and Protector of the Realm," said the royal herald. "With His Grace is the Hand of the King, Lord Tyrion of House Lannister."

"Bring in the former King," said King Robb.

"Now entering is Joffrey, Bastard of House Lannister, former Lord of the Seven Kingdoms," said the royal herald. Joffrey shot him a sullen glare, but said nothing.

King Robb said, "Joffrey, in your former role as King, you stand accused of crimes against House Stark and against your own people. Among such crimes are the decapitation of My Father, Lord Eddard Stark, the repeated humiliation and beating of My sister Sansa, and treating the peasants as if they are beneath you. For the sole crime of My Father's head, I would claim your head as well, but I have decided to be merciful and to sentence you instead to a trial by combat. If you win, I will send you to the Wall to live whatever few miserable days remain to you. If you lose, you're dead."

Joffrey nodded; the time in the dungeons of the Red Keep had humbled him. "That sounds fair. Who is to be Your Grace's champion, if Your Grace has decided not to face me?"

"You will be facing me," said a female voice.

"Now entering is His Grace's champion, Lady Arya of House Stark."

The audience would have laughed at this absurdity – a small girl like her taking on a fierce fighter like Joffrey – but one look at the chill in Arya's eyes silenced them.

Tyrion stood. "Your Grace, My Lords and Ladies, and others assembled here: before we witness Joffrey's trial by combat, I thought we might enjoy some merriment. So, without further ado: let's sing!"

The music started [tune: "The Phony King of England" from "Robin Hood"] and Tyrion sang:

"Oh, men will sing of the Direwolf King a long, long time from now,  
And how He brought King's Justice down upon Joff's prideful brow!  
King Joffrey, through Ser Ilyn Payne, He called for Ned Stark's head,  
When the peasants threw cow shit at Him, He wanted the peasants dead!  
With a prideful head that's fit to burst,  
We're sure to call Him King Joff the Worst:  
King Joffrey, the Jagoff of King's Landing!"

The crowd sang back:

"King Joffrey, the Jagoff of King's Landing!"

Tyrion sang again:

"He sits alone on the Iron Throne claiming He's the rightful King,  
And not the Bastard of His Mom and Uncle Ser Jaime!"

Sansa sang:

"He shits in fear, so I do hear, when things don't go His way,  
And then He whines for Mom … throws a temper tantrum …  
You see, His plans have gone astray …"

Tyrion sang:

"While He knows Himself as Joff the First,  
The Gods, They will call Him Joff the Cursed,  
A pox on the Bastard of King's Landing!"

The crowd sang back:

"A pox on the Bastard of King's Landing!"

During the musical interlude, Tyrion danced with Sansa, then Arya took a turn dancing with him, laughing all the while. He then sang:

"Now the King Jerk has fallen down off of the Iron Throne,  
King Robb, we sing, Your justice bring, claim the Kingdoms for Your own!  
Joff's tyranny is gone, we see, thanks to the Direwolf pack,  
We cannot wait to see the match, and see the proud bitch crack!  
Long before he'll know what to do …  
Little Arya will beat him black and blue …  
The twitchy, bitchy Joffrey of King's Landing!"

By the end of the song, Joffrey's red face was huffing and puffing.

"Are you ready to die?" said Arya.

"I'm ready to make good on my promise to gut you, little bitch."

"BEGIN!"

Joffrey took a wild swing, but Arya dodged it. "You are an angry little beast, do you know that?" Another wild swing missed her. "Your anger clouds your mind from connecting your swings. If I may be so curious, how long has it been since your last shag?" A third swing missed. "Oh, a third swing and a miss, Jagoff; you're terrible at this! My turn …"

She swung at his crotch, but he parried it away. "Good; at least you know what to protect." She tried a couple more times, but he parried both times. "You're better at defense than at offense, but I wonder: you say you like delivering pain, right? How about receiving it?" She swung and chopped off an ear. He fell to the ground in pain.

"Do you yield, Joffrey? Can you get up?"

He swung at her legs, but she jumped. Before he could swing again, she stamped on his hand, breaking it as he screamed and dropped his sword.

"Enough," said King Robb. "Joffrey, the Gods have found you guilty of your crimes. May They have mercy on your soul."

Ser Clegane and Ser Bronn picked Joffrey up and deposited his head on the chopping block while King Robb withdrew the Stark greatsword Ice from its scabbard. "I, King Robb, First of His Name, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, King of the Andals and the First Men, and Protector of the Realm, sentence you, Joffrey of House Lannister, to die. Do you have any last words?"

"You will pay. You will all pay!"

To a great cheer from the crowd, Joffrey lost his head.

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

Many years into the future, a young man was sitting in his room when he heard the whispers of voices.

"Any idea where He could be in this house, Your Grace?" said a male voice.

"_Your Grace?"_ he thought. _"What would a member of the royal family be doing here?"_

Harry's eyes widened as he heard Hermione's voice say, "I do remember Ron telling me about locks and a cat-flap on his door … ah, this must be it. Go ahead, Ser Wulfstan."

Ser Wulfstan knocked. "I recommend that Your Grace stand clear of the doorway – we're coming in. Ān, tweġen, þrīe!"

A swing of the sword and a shoulder push later, Harry's bedroom door was open. Hermione ran through the open doorway and hugged Harry for all he was worth.

"Hermione, while I have no complaints that you've come to visit – what are you doing here? And who are these two men with you?"

The two men entered and kneeled. "Ser Wulfstan and Ser Wulfsiġe of the Kingsguard, if it please Your Grace," they said.

"That's the third time I've heard that address this whole night. Hermione, would you care to give me an explanation?"

She shook her head. "As much as I may like to explain, Harry, it would be best to wait until we are somewhere safer."

"We are sworn to protect you –"

"– The both of you."

"– We shall explain more –"

" – When we've arrived –"

"– In King's Landing," said Ser Wulfstan and Ser Wulfsiġe.

"Hermione, do these remind you of any Terrible Twins we know?"

She grinned. "They are not Fred and George, Harry – though the similarity is uncanny."

"They are at King's Landing, Your Grace – along with Maester Remus," said Ser Wulfstan.

"We'll explain later," said Ser Wulfsiġe.

The group joined hands and disappeared …

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

It was night when they arrived, so the knights led them up to the royal bedchamber and wished them a good night.

He woke up the next morning to see Remus Lupin looking at him. "Had a nice rest, Your Grace?"

Harry grinned. "It's the best sleep I've had in ages, thank you … Remus … that feels odd calling you that, you know?"

"That's fine, Your Grace."

"There it is again – that royal title. Since when did I become a king?"

"Your Grace's ancestor was a king … and I don't mean Godric Gryffindor, who was a king, but someone more ancient than that."

"Who was it?"

"King Robb, First of His Name, of House Stark of Winterfell."

He could see the shock in the young king's eyes. "Hwæt in þāra Seofon Hellum?!" (What in the Seven Hells?!)

"I must say, Your Grace's Westerosi is exemplary, if I may say so."

Harry felt Hermione rubbing his shoulders. "Is My Lord upset?"

"No, Hermione, I'm just shocked. Þā Seofon blēdsien þē; handa þīn felaþ gōdan on bæce mīn …" (The Seven bless you; your hands feel good on my back …)

"Would Your Grace care to know Hermione's ancestry?"

"Go ahead; enlighten me."

"Her Grace's ancestors of the same time period were Tyrion Lannister, Lord of Casterly Rock, and his wife Sansa, one of King Robb's sisters. There are many generations between their generation and ours, Your Grace, so there are no needs to worry about anything like the accursed act of …" he coughed, "… incest."

"Wē þancien þā Seofon. Ān heortebeatan … hwā sind þā Seofon?" (May we thank the Seven. One heartbeat … who are the Seven?)

"The Seven are the deities of Westeros, Your Grace's kingdom. They are the Father, the Mother, the Warrior, the Crone, the Smith, the Maiden, and, last but not least – the Stranger. It was They who stopped the massacre of the Starks at the Twins and ensured Robb's victory over the Lannisters. Recognizing the kindness that Tyrion showed to Bran – one of His Grace's two younger brothers – and to Sansa, the King repaid the kindness by sparing the dwarf's life and naming him as Hand of the King … a Prime Minister of the Kingdom, if you will. In addition, Your Grace has the Small Council to lighten the load."

"Out of curiosity, who was Robb Stark's queen?"

"After the sad death of His first Queen, Queen Talisa of Volantis, King Robb married Queen Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, the Mother of Dragons, in gratitude for her dragons helping the Night's Watch to win the War of the White Walkers."

"Who were the White Walkers, and who is the Night's Watch?"

"They were monstrous creatures who would invade from the cold North. Their last invasion was a long, long time ago. The Night's Watch is a celibate fraternity of men dedicated to one sole task: to guard the realms of men. Their service is for life from the moment they take their holy vow. They serve at the Wall, at the northern boundary of the Kingdom."

"This is a lot to understand."

"I know it is, Your Grace, but be of good cheer. You will understand in time."

**~HEREWEALD STEARC: FORMAN HIS NAMAN~**

"May the Seven bless Harry Potter of House Stark, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, and Protector of the Realm and Her Grace, Queen Hermione Granger. Long may they reign!"

The crowd cheered.

**Author's Note: Well, I believe that is one of the longest shorts that I've typed. I also chose a certain ancient language to type the title and some of the Westerosi in … and I'm sure you can guess. Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**

**P.S.,**

**In addition, I thought I would leave these Latin lyrics [tune: chorus of "In the Arms of the Angel" by Sarah McLachlan]:**

**In bracchiis Angeli,  
Ab hoc evola!  
Ab hoc frigore in te,  
Et ab hoc miseria!  
Portaris ab ruinis  
Huius somnii tranquili;  
In brachiis Angeli,  
Pacem invenias ibi!**

**Even the original song is beautiful … [sad smile]. Like I've said before, we will miss broomstick flyer. **

**:'(**


	9. Weasley's Horrid Robe

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Here is a short taste of some of the future hilarity that awaits in "Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus." Okay, I haven't written quite this far in that story, but … meh, I'm typing this short because I feel like it … [smile].**

**Chapter 9**

**Weasley's Horrid Robe**

At the Great Hall one morning, Ron opened up a package. "What in the bloody Hell is this?"

"Here, Ron, let's see," said Patrick. Ron handed it over – a maroon robe with frilly lace on it. The Gryffindor table fought to hide its general amusement. "Your Mum must think it matches your hair, Ron. Problem is it's the wrong shade of red. This has to be Ginny's."

Ginny giggled. "No way I'm wearing that; it's ghastly."

Hermione cracked up laughing, along with everyone else. "Don't you see, Ron? They're your robes!"

The amusement spread through the Great Hall. "Is that Weasel-bee's robe, Pat?" said Draco Black. Patrick nodded. "Well, toss it over here! I'm open! I'm open!" Patrick tossed it, Draco caught it, then he ran and waved it around. "IT'S OFFICIAL! WEASEL-BEE HAS COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!"

"SHUT UP, DRACO!"

To tease Ron further, and to the increased amusement of the Great Hall, Hermione, Lacey, and Ginny started to sing, "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls …

**Author's Note: Well, that's another short. And no, I don't think Ron is an actual faygeles, even in this fanfic … they're just teasing him about it due to his robes. Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	10. Please Sir I Want Some More

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters are the property of J.K. Rowling. No doubt there have been a number of comparisons of the great Charles Dickens to J.K. Rowling – considering the way both write of the downtrodden of society – and so it gets a literature lover like myself thinking a bit … a dangerous proposition to any who know of my work … [crazed laughter].**

**The title for this is taken from a famous line of Charles Dickens. No doubt you can guess which work it refers to … [smile].**

**Chapter 10**

**Please Sir I Want Some More**

It was another peaceful morning in Little Whinging until Petunia Dursley opened her front door.

"VERNON!"

The scream woke up the baby in his crib, and his crying, coupled with Petunia's scream, brought Vernon running to the door.

"Petunia, what is a baby doing on our doorstep?"

_What if the neighbors see him?_ she thought as she brought him inside.

"Petunia!"

"Vernon, we didn't want him waking the neighbors, now, do we?"

"No, I guess not, but how can we accept another baby? Does this look like an orphanage where somebody can dump an unwanted baby?"

"Oh, don't be silly, Vernon; there's a letter with the child ..." She opened the letter, read it, and looked up at her husband with tears in her eyes. _How should I feel at news like this? _"My sister and brother-in-law are dead."

"I thought you said you didn't have a sister, Petunia, so why are you crying?"

"I may have resented her all my life, Vernon, but she was my sister all the same – I said that in the heat of my anger at her, and now, any chance I may have had to reconcile with her has gone!"

Vernon hugged her. He may not have enjoyed meeting the Potters during the Dursley wedding – he confessed to himself that his drunkenness didn't help make a good impression – but loath as he was to admit it, they were Family. He may have said something like, _Good riddance to such freaks, the world is better off without them_, but he had no doubt Petunia would have slapped him for such an insensitive comment. _Say nothing but good of the dead, so the old saying goes. What does somebody say at a time like this, when members of his Family – unwelcome, good-for-nothing freaks, but members of his Family nonetheless – have departed this world for the Afterlife?_ He could not think of anything positive to say, so he kept his mouth shut until she had wracked all the sobbing out.

"So, the boy is –"

"– Our nephew, Vernon – Harry Potter."

Vernon raised his eyes upward. _Oy, why us?_ "I presume this letter is asking us to take care of him?" He sighed upon seeing her nod. _Why shouldn't he be in an orphanage? He may be my nephew by my marriage to Petunia, but do I look like I can feed another mouth? Diapers, food, and toys are not cheap …_

"What are we going to do, Vernon? Can we afford to keep him?"

He shook his head. "I do have an idea, though ..."

**~PLEASE SIR I WANT SOME MORE~**

DING DONG!

The entrance to the Orphanage rang and the door opened to reveal a kind lady. "Good morning, sir. How may we help you?"

All she heard was the screech of a vehicle as it sped away. Looking down, she saw a baby with a note scrawled in haste:

"His name is Harry Potter, and he's your problem now!"

**~PLEASE SIR I WANT SOME MORE~**

Thus it was that Harry Potter spent about some nine years in the Orphanage. Of all the orphans who resided there, he had one friend: Jack Dawkins. The police had placed young Jack in the orphanage after they had picked him up for stealing a loaf of bread, saying, "Think of this as a mercy from us, Jack, but we will be harder on you if we catch you stealing again, you hear?"

Jack smiled. "At least I won't starve here, good sirs."

"Oh, God forbid, Jack! You will have enough to keep a growing lad alive, don't you worry your head on that count."

When Harry heard this from Jack, he had to hold in a bitter laugh. _Enough to keep a growing lad alive – yeah, right!_

It is a physiological fact that as the human body grows, it will need more nourishment to keep running at an optimum level of efficiency. An economic fact said that the Orphanage could spend so much of its budget on food. Guess which fact won the debate?

Now the Orphanage didn't starve the orphans that lived therein … far from it! While society did not have a high opinion of orphans, a pile of dead orphans would be bad publicity for the Orphanage that the State entrusted to look after them. The Church, for Her part in such a situation, would punish the members of management with so much penance until Doomsday that they would think they were born on the lowest of the Purgatorial cliffs. Given this additional concern, the Orphanage gave the orphans enough food to stay alive, but no more.

Alas, Harry's appetite for knowledge kept his mind growing even as his stomach growled for more food than what the Orphanage rationed to him. This situation could not last forever, and one Christmas Eve, he said six words that would change his life:

"Please, sir, I want some more."

The chef looked at him in shock. "What?!"

"Excuse me, I'm sorry; am I making any sense? Is my voicebox even working here? Please, sir … I want some more!"

"You DARE ask for more than your allotted ration, you impudent whelp?"

"Impudent, am I? Yes, I bloody well say that I dare ask for more than my ration, because it BLOODY WELL ISN'T ENOUGH! Good Lord, am I even speaking English? Perhaps you would understand another language, am I right? ¡Por favor, Señor, me gustaría comer más! S'il vous plaît, Monsieur, je voudrais en manger plus! Bitte, mein Herr, ich möchte mehr essen! 请先生我想吃得多一点儿! 孤児院の料理人さん、ください、僕はもっと多くが食べたいです！ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THE WORDS THAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH, YOU GLUTTONOUS EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING?!"

The chef raised his ladle to strike, but it flew out of his hand to hit the wall behind him. Harry looked at him with glowing eyes.

"Time to eat up, Porky!"

Much to the chef's horror, the big pot of gruel upended on him.

"Oh, such a terrible waste of orphanage gruel! No matter, boys and girls … how about we cook Tubby for dinner?"

His anger at the Orphanage's stinginess caused the open fire to rise so much that it set the chef ablaze, and the Orphanage along with it.

"Jack, let's make like Oliver Twist and get the Dickens out of here!"

"Right behind you, Harry!"

It was mere seconds after the two escaped that they heard a loud BOOM! No one else in the Orphanage survived …

**~PLEASE SIR I WANT SOME MORE~**

They both walked out a fair distance in the snow to reach a Church. Within, Mass was ending with a hymn:

"Silent night! Holy night!  
All is calm, all is bright ..."

_Such destruction_, thought Harry as the cold wind bit at their faces.

"Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child,  
Holy Infant so tender and mild ..."

Harry and Jack looked up at the statue of the Madonna, Her Holy Son held close to Her bosom. _Oh, that She could hold us close so we don't die in the cold! Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners …_

"Sleep in Heavenly Peace!  
Sleep in Heavenly Peace!"

_Now and at the hour of our death. Amen._

"How much longer until the parishioners come out, Harry?"

"Soon, Jack, soon. Just hang on ..."

"We've been out here in the cold for so long, Harry."

"I'm sorry for burning up the Orphanage, Jack. I know that was our home to us ..."

"You couldn't help it, Harry … but in the end, the Orphanage is not our home."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been living on the streets for a while before I came to be at the Orphanage, so I'm used to them, but Harry … seeing as how God has seen it fit to … have us as friends … home is wherever the both of us may be ..."

"Save your strength, Jack. Don't you dare die on me, not now ..."

Jack smiled. "I don't plan to die … though the cold might scupper that plan, eh?"

Harry looked up to the Madonna. _Mother of God, help us!_ he thought.

Holding onto Jack, the last he saw before exhaustion took him was the figure of a chestnut-haired girl and her parents running towards them out of the Church …

**Author's Note: Another interesting start. I don't know if this will become a story, but read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	11. Two Black Cadillacs

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. This one-shot is inspired by (and titled after) a song by Carrie Underwood … and it's an example of what I think of Ron/Hermione relationships. As much as I dislike Ron/Hermione (in what world would that relationship work out? Even Rowling herself admitted that Harry and Hermione would make a better couple) – I could think of no better relationship for this darker spin on Underwood's earlier song "Before He Cheats." For the record, while this does have Ron/Hermione, there is no Harry/Ginny in this. Enjoy!**

**Chapter 11**

**Two Black Cadillacs**

It was the funeral of the late Ronald Weasley, the aspiring Comedy Relief of the Golden Trio and Harry Potter's so-called best friend.

His widow, Hermione, rode up in a black Cadillac. Harry helped her get out of the car.

Another black Cadillac parked beside them, and the young woman within came out.

Both wore the traditional mourning outfits – black dresses with black veils. For his part, Harry wore a black suit.

"Are we ready, ladies?" They nodded. "Okay, well, it's showtime!"

As Harry walked between them, he thought, _As entertaining as it would be to witness a catfight between these two, Hermione would be enough for me. Far be it from me to make Ron's idiotic mistake._

**~FLASHBACK~**

Over the short amount of time since the marriage, Hermione noted a suspicious pattern. Ron would come home exhausted each and every night. As tiring as being an Auror could be, this was not the sole problem. Some nights Ron stayed out for a long time and come back in the hours of the early morning. Either way, Ron would be too tired to want to have sex with her for many nights.

_I can't believe he's neglecting me, _she thought. _What husband would do this to his wife?_

In spite of the marital neglect – he didn't want sex in the cowgirl position, saying it was not traditional – she would not entertain the thought of cheating on him just to get her sexual itch scratched. _On the other hand_, she thought, _who's to say that he isn't doing the same to me? Late nights and constant exhaustion may point that way, but I need more evidence._

The evidence she needed came a couple months before Ron's death, when she noted an unfamiliar number on his cell phone. She called it.

"Hi, Ron, how are you doing, sweetie?" said a strange woman.

_This confirms it_, she thought as her blood boiled. "Why would you be calling my husband _sweetie_, you tart?"

"Your husband? He told me he wasn't married!"

"He lied to you … he lied to both of us! Until death do we part, my tuchas!"

"That bastard! I'll rip his balls off for this! You can have him back!"

"No, not that!"

"Are his balls that precious to you? Do you want me to take him off your hands?"

"Neither, but … listen … what's your name?"

"Jessica … what's yours?"

"Hermione. Listen … Jessica … balls or no balls, breakup or no breakup, if Ron cheated on me with you, who's to say he won't cheat on his next lady with another lady?"

"Hmm … I'm sad to admit it, but I think you are right, Hermione. What do we do?"

"I'm sure I can think of something. Leave it to me."

**~END FLASHBACK~**

Father Michael Finnegan cleared his throat. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to remember Ronald Bilius Weasley. He was a good man who stood alongside Harry Potter in his battle against the infamous Dark Lord, as well as a faithful husband to his widow, Hermione Weasley ..."

Harry and Hermione had to suppress their mirth. _That was a total crock. A good man? A faithful husband? He was more of an insatiable glutton, and a cheating husband, but should we tell the priest about this?_

_Nah!_

**~FLASHBACK~**

Hermione looked at Harry across the café table.

"Hermione? You seem spaced out. Is everything okay?"

"Oh, I'm just thinking … about how my darling husband Ron has been cheating on me!"

"What? Hermione, how could he do that?"

"Oh, I guess it would be easy enough if he found some tart to open her legs for him!"

"That bastard!"

"The aforementioned tart said the same."

"I'm going to beat some sense into him!"

"Wait, Harry! Can't we think of some worse punishment?"

"What do we have in mind? I do have connections ..."

"I know you do … whatever happens, make it look like an accident."

Harry grinned at her. "Believe me, Hermione … he won't even see what's coming."

**~END FLASHBACK~**

George Weasley stepped up to speak. "I guess I speak for the rest of the Weasley clan when I say that Ron was a good brother to us, and, like Father Finnegan said earlier, he was a good friend to Harry. We are sorry for your loss, Harry."

Harry felt torn between crying for the tragedy of Ron's death, or laughing at the comedy of it. His response was a nod, that was all.

**~FLASHBACK~**

Out at Jessica's, Ron had himself a few more drinks after another romp in the sack with her. She then sent him on his way.

As he swayed along the sidewalk, he encountered a mugger.

The mugger pointed his gun at him. "Hand over your wallet!"

Ron fished in his pockets. "Oh, I'm sorry, mate. I don't seem to have my wallet on me."

_He remembered that he left it at Jessica's, but it was too late ..._

BANG! The mugger shot him and ran away.

Ron died on the spot. As for the mugger, the police caught him and put him in jail for the rest of his life.

**~END FLASHBACK~**

"And so," said Father Finnegan, "we commend Ronald Weasley to the mercies of the Almighty. May God have mercy on his soul. Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust. Amen."

Without a single tear, Hermione and Jessica laid one rose each on Ron's grave and threw a handful of dirt into it.

"Wait just a moment, Hermione," said Harry. "I want to make a final adjustment."

When everyone else had left, Harry walked up to the tombstone and carved a couple more words.

Hermione and Jessica shared a smile. "So long, Jessica."

"So long, Hermione. I hope Harry takes good care of you."

"Don't worry, Jessica," he said with a grin. "Trust me when I say she's in good hands with me."

"She had better be in good hands, or else I'm coming up there to kick your ass."

"Understood. So long!"

The tombstone read:

**RON BILIUS WEASLEY**

"**TROLL BRAIN"**

**Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed that. Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


	12. Fire and Blood

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The TV series Game of Thrones belongs to HBO, David Benioff and David Weiss. The book series on which it is based belongs to George R.R. Martin.**

**What is going to happen next in the upcoming Season 6 (which starts April 24, 2016), or Book 6, The Winds of Winter? I don't know; the following start to another Game of Thrones/Harry Potter crossover is pure speculation on my part, starting with the end of Season 5.**

**Chapter 12**

**Fire and Blood**

_How could it come to this?_

So thought Jon Snow, once the 998th Lord Commander of the Night's Watch, as his wounded body lay bleeding outside Castle Black.

_Am I dead? If so, what happens now? Would the Old gods or the New gods let me see my father? I knew Ser Aliser hated me, but how could Olly, my faithful steward, do this to me? Damn those traitors to the depths of the Seventh Hell along with Rast and the other murderers of my predecessor, Lord Commander Jeor Mormont … if they wish to die at the hands of the White Walkers and their Army of the Dead, so be it._

He saw his body on the snow as his spirit left for regions unknown …

**~FIRE AND BLOOD~**

At the end of his journey, he found himself within a large white carriage station. Ned Stark was there to greet him with a hug and they sat down on a bench.

"I told you the next time we saw each other, I would tell you more about your mother. 'Tis a damn shame the people I trusted betrayed me, same as the Night's Watch betrayed you."

"Damn Olly, Ser Aliser Thorne, and Bowen Marsh."

"Damn Littlefinger and Janos Slynt. Your execution of the latter was poetic justice indeed."

"How did you know about that?"

"Even though I may not belong in Westeros anymore, that doesn't mean I don't take an interest in what happens there. Before I tell you of your mother, let me say this: I am not your father, even though I raised you as one of my own."

Jon shook with suppressed rage. "Wait a minute. I grew up as your bastard, not one of your trueborn sons, and you were not even my father? You could have adopted me into House Stark as one of your own! Why didn't you?"

"Perhaps I could have done so, but it would deny you your true birthright."

Jon snorted. "Strange way of going about a birthright, as bastards have none. You said I had your blood. Is that true?"

"Aye. I promised your mother I would keep you safe, so I claimed you as my bastard."

"Your older brother, Brandon – he didn't have any children before the Mad King burned him?"

"Nay, he did not."

"That would mean … Lyanna Stark … she's my mother …"

Ned nodded. "Go on, nephew."

"... But that means … when did you find me?"

"I found her with you in a bed of blood … this was after King Robert slew Prince Rhaegar ..."

"He ran off with her, that was what started the Rebellion … wait, he's my father? You said I was your bastard …"

Ned laid his hand on Jon's shoulder. "... To protect you from King Robert, aye. You are Jon Targaryen, with the blood of the dragon and the direwolf. Winter is coming, and the dead come with it."

Rhaegar Targaryen appeared, hair silver as the moon and purple eyes that blazed like the dragon of his House. He laid his hand on Jon's other shoulder. "With fire and blood, my son, you will rise again and defeat the greatest danger the Seven Kingdoms have ever faced. As your Aunt Daenerys has said: Fire cannot harm a dragon."

Jon screamed as if a fire burned in him and through him.

"Look, Ned, the change is happening … the dragon awakes … may the gods have mercy on his foes, because we know he won't."

The last words Jon heard before his father and uncle faded from view were, "Make us proud."

**~FIRE AND BLOOD~**

The traitors, led by Ser Aliser Thorne, came back to the Lord Commander's corpse. "Let's burn him," he said. "We don't want him to wake up as part of the army of the dead."

Much to their collective horror, the fire did not burn Jon's body. On the contrary – it breathed new life into him and healed his wounds.

He opened his eyes, which were now the fiery purple of his father.

"What in the Seven Hells is this sorcery?!" said some of the traitors.

Jon smirked as he rose to his feet. "Oh, did you not know? Fire cannot harm a dragon … but I'm sure it can harm you!"

With a burst of flame, Jon roasted most of the traitors. Olly ran as fast as he could, but Jon ran faster and hoisted him by his throat.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't roast you for treason as well."

"PLEASE! MY LORD, HAVE MERCY!"

Jon gave him a malicious grin. "Sorry, I seem to be fresh out of mercy … and I can't think of any reason to pardon you ..."

"MY LORD!"

"Give Lord Slynt my greetings when you see him down in the Seven Hells, traitor!"

He threw Olly into the air and charred his body while it was flying.

_Seven hells!_ thought the other members of the Night's Watch who witnessed the carnage …

**~FIRE AND BLOOD~**

Sirius woke up with a start.

Hermione woke up from her dream about an alcoholic dwarf with a clever brain and a silver-haired woman who had dragons.

As for Harry, he had dreamed about a young woman with eyes that spoke of danger and death.

All three people had the same thought on their minds: Who were these people and what have they to do with me?

**Author's Note: Another start to what could be another interesting fanfic. Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter**,

**Loki Palmer**


	13. Anger Management

"**Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"**

By Loki Palmer

**Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Now for yet another dish of literary stew from my Madhouse Kitchen, and this one should be – dare I say it – delicious? The inspiration for this is an episode of Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam, though the title I have chosen seems to suggest a movie with Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson (a funny one, no doubt, and there are similarities between the two, but it is the first one that has inspired this dish). Enjoy!**

**Chapter 13**

**Anger Management**

Hermione came up the stairs to the Gryffindor boys' dorm. "Loki? Loki, are you in there? Oh, great Merlin, Loki – you and Luna are snoozing in bed?"

"Well, where else did you think we would be?" said Luna.

Loki yawned like a bear coming out of hibernation, reached for his glasses, and blinked at Hermione. "What? Did I miss class, or breakfast?"

"Loki, it's the weekend, so you didn't miss class … breakfast is a different story, however. Now, if the both of you would like to get out of bed so you can have some breakfast – LOKI MICHAEL PALMER, WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON FIRST?!"

Loki saw Hermione's blushing face and her hand covering her eyes. He looked down at his own body. "Oh … right … where did I put my underpants? Ah, thanks, Luna."

"Why don't you try going without them?" said Luna. "It can feel liberating to let your equipment breathe, you know."

"I don't doubt that, Luna, but it's for hygienic reasons."

"Fair enough, but don't knock it until you've tried it."

Loki leaned in Luna's direction. "Who says I haven't tried it, you naughty minx?"

Hermione could hear Luna yelp from a light smack he delivered to the backside. "Are the both of you decent, at least?"

"Quite so as far as I'm concerned, Hermione, though I don't know what I can say for my little Lulu here. Where's breakfast?"

"Harry and I saved some for you in the common room. Come get it before Ron can't resist the temptation anymore and eats it for you."

**~ANGER MANAGEMENT~**

"So, Harry, tell me this: why is your girlfriend waking us up at this time of morning?"

"Oh, you looked so peaceful, and I didn't want to wake you … but she just came up with a brilliant idea. When she told it to us, Ron said it was barking mad, but she said _I know someone who can be the judge of that_, and here you are."

Loki paused within his breakfast to swallow his most recent bite. "Well, within every genius lies the spark of a person who has gone off the deep end, right? In all the years we have known Hermione, she has sparked many brilliant ideas, but as far as barking mad goes, this one must take the cake. What is this brilliant, yet barking mad idea?"

"What if you and Luna were to go on our behalf to Voldemort with a wager?"

"Hmmm … intriguing … continue, please."

"We make an offer to him of one thousand million Galleons IF he can show himself to be a person of a stable temperament. You are to stay at Voldemort's as long as you like to see what kind of temperament he can have. For each outburst of anger he has, you get to deduct some money. If you determine he can have a stable temperament, whatever money is left becomes his. If he loses all the money, he and his Death Eaters give Harry an unconditional surrender."

Luna raised her hand. "What if he decides to torture us, or worse, kills us?"

"In those cases, he forfeits the whole lot. What do you think, Loki?"

Loki's eyes sparked with the joy of an amazing prank to come as his mouth put on a madman's grin. "I think it's genius. When do we start?"

**Author's Note: Genius, indeed … and I am sure I can turn this dish of stew into a hilarious fanfic. What do y'all think? Read and review!**

**Smiles and laughter,**

**Loki Palmer**


End file.
